Make your own segula for shidduchim

Today I had to pick up some last minute things for Shabbos and as I passed by some stores I noticed a flyer in one of the windows. It urged people to participate in supporting shidduchim, presenting that as the ultimate segula for one's (or one's children's) shidduchim.

I thought that meant they were urging people to get more involved in helping people meet by sharing information about singles and making introductions. Not at all. It was all about the money.

The next week I passed by the poster again and jotted down the name of the organization: Ohel Pessel. I then looked it up online. The only thing I was able to find was the description of its "asifa" in 2018. It's on pp. 82-83 in this publication: https://issuu.com/lakewoodweekly/docs/lakewood_weekly_vol_21_issue_11_-_l

It was urging people to give money to this organization, claiming that if matchmakers were paid via this organization they would have more time to devote to making the matches and so more matches would be made. That is what they claim would work as one's segula.

My thought on this: Sounds like scam.

Indeed, a search revealed that someone in the 5 Towns had been scammed in his pursuit of shidduch segula that involved crossing someone's palm with silver -- or a check in this case. It does make you wonder why this crooks are not smart enough to ask for cash to not leave a clear trail, but you don't have to be all that clever to take advantage of people who will grasp at a magical solution to their problems. See "The Shidduch Fraud."


Even if the organization is on the up-and-up about the intentions and where the money goes, the solution makes no sense. Either the shadchanim are motivated by helping people or by the big payoff they get for a successful shidduch. For both cases, throwing a few hundred at them would actually be a disincentive.

That is one of the topics that Dan Ariely covered in his book, Predictably Irrational See https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2008/09/17/why-good-deeds-and-money-dont-mix/.(Speaking of Ariely, what I wrote about another of his books in relation to online and shidduch dating here http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2011/07/upside-of-irrationality.html certainly still holds.)

 For those making shidduchim lishma it's really about helping people out. Certainly, that was my motivation in finding someone when someone I knew asked about what to do as his children were entering the shidduch parsha (that engagement was announced last week). My motivation was treating others the way I would like to be treated in terms of finding shidduchim for my own children with more doing and following up than merely pretending you have searched and found nothing.  And for those in it purely for the money, they would be more motivated to get a match that would stick if they get paid only for that rather than just for putting in time without delivering results.



Shadchanim are not salaried workers but independent agents or brokers. They traditionally operate on the same economic model as real estate brokers. That means that they don't get paid for the time they put into open houses, home visits, etc. They only get their thousands of dollars when the deal is done.

Now there are some shadchanim who resent having to put in so many hours in setting up dates (and today's yeshivish couples keep the shadchan as a go-between far longer than the did in the previous generation, so there is more time and work and involved). As a result, some of them demand compensation just for setting up dates even if they don't go anywhere.

See http://orthonomics.blogspot.com/2009/03/presenting-another-throw-money-at-it.html#links

Their argument would be that they put in the time and effort and did deliver something, so they also deserve something.  I can understand that, though for such an agreement to be fair, all the fees and expectations have to be disclosed in full before the shadchan sets one up. They also then should be declaring these fees for service as taxable income, as there is no way they can claim they are still in the category of "gifts" shown to express appreciation.

Now there is yet another fee category that some shadchanim have started to add on, and that is close to the nature of the scamming people who are desperate. They charge a "registration fee." What do you get for that? You simply get to be in their files. Perhaps they'll also spend 5 minutes talking to you to go though the motions of getting your preferences, etc. But they don't even guarantee a single date for that fee.

Now here's a little shidduch secret I will let you know. Some people who boast of being accomplished shadchanim with hundreds of singles in their files are not the primary contact for any of them. They merely subscribe to a service that pulls in resumes. One of these is the email list called Ezer Kenegdo. Anyone who wants to claim to be a shadchan can send the owner of the list the yearly fee of $180 to receive the resumes that are emailed out all the time.

Some shadchanim will then present these people to singles as part of their roster when they don't know them at all. That means  that the cost for access to shidduch resumes is relatively low compared to the fees the shadchan can charge each single even without making a single successful shidduch.

So back to what I though the poster was about and the title of this blog. I don't promise segulos, for I know that I didn't instantly find my own kids engaged after the couple I set up announced their engagement, or even after I started on another couple. There's no magic. But there is a show of empathy and veahavta le're'echa kamocha that one can practice in doing what they can to match singles up -- not match up resumes, mind you, but people.

Here's another thing you could do: if you're called as a reference, answer honestly but without hazarding into connotations that could be damaging. For example, one young man I know had his rabbis say "he left the yeshiva," making it sound like he went off the derech. He did no such thing, as he continued to learn some 12 hours a day afterwards, but a negative association was created.

 In another case, the young man was going to say no to a young woman I suggested on the basis of her "not wanting to move to Israel." That was what he derived from references. I said we should ask her directly, and she said she would, in fact, be open to it. I then gave him a little speech about the limits of references. They can know where you've been but not where you're going to go. That you'll have to find out from the person.

With so many barriers already in place, do you really want to be the source of a shidduch not taking off because of the way your answer to a question was taken?

This is what I have in mind in making your own shidduch segula: act with consideration, empathy, humility, and try to do good. As chesed carries a great deal of weight in the cosmic calculus, that should help more than throwing money at the problem, though true tzedaka is always a merit, as well.

Related post:
http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2013/04/matchmakers-dont-have-to-be-yentas.html

http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2009/06/how-long-should-shadchan-be-involved.html

http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2011/11/new-nasi-shidduch-plan-throw-money-at.html

http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/09/power-of-single-word-could-sway.html

http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2010/06/shidduch-lists.html


Like and follow on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/KallahMagazine/