Friday, July 25, 2014

Purim in Av

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had two particular thoughts about the connections between what we are experiencing now and TaNaCh.  This is the second one: the parallels to Purim. Odd, yes, that’s the most joyous of holiday in the month during which we say, mishenichnas Adar marbin besimcha. The whole month of Adar is considered a happy one, quite the opposite of this time of year.

We are coming upon the 9 Days now, the start of the month of Av, about which our Sages say, mishenichnas Av mema’atin besimcha. We don’t hold celebrations during this time and even abstain from meat and wine during the days leading up to the date when the Bais Hamikdash was destroyed. The build up to that began even earlier on the fast day of the 17th of Tammuz. I’m sure that for many people, the feeling of bein hametzarim came even earlier this year, with what has been going on in Israel. We have experienced a great deal of pain and been subjected to naked hate by people around the world who seize this opportunity to express their hostility for all Jews on the pretext of caring about other people.  

The Hamas plot that has been exposed through the ground invasion targeted at tunnels was nothing less than an attempt at genocide.  See http://israelmatzav.blogspot.com/2014/07/what-hamas-planned-to-do-with-terror.html Just like Haman plotted so long ago, the forces of hate were to be gathered to together to murder all the Jews when they least expected it. Mordechai discovered the plot, but that alone wasn’t enough. Esther had to step up and speak out – even at the risk of her own life. She had to reverse the policy she had been practicing of laying low and come out as a Jew to the king who had no great love for them himself.

And here’s the thing that we must remember about who and what we are. We do what is right, not what people with particular political views want us to do, but what we have to do to survive and defeat evil.

What was right in Purim story was to make a public proclamation of the Jews’ right to defend themselves and to exterminate the forces of evil that sought their destruction. The Jews defeated their enemies, and we celebrate the day after the battle because we are not happy about killing but we are happy to survive.

When Haman told the king of his plot, he could not claim the Jews had oppressed anyone. They were exiled from home and pretty powerless then. But where the Jews or what they do has nothing to do with it because as people like to say today, haters gonna hate. The reasons for their hate lie in them It  has nothing to do with supposed sins of a state. That is abundantly obvious to anyone who has even the faintest understanding of history.. The Jews were persecuted throughout their exile in countries like England, Spain, Russia, Poland, Germany, and the list goes on and on.  None of those persecutors could attribute their hate to Jewish statehood. Clearly, the only constant is hate for who the Jews are rather than for what they do.

We learn from the Purim story that Jewish survival depends on fighting against those who seek to destroy them. But we also learn another thing: we must stick together to be strong. When Haman slandered the Jews to Achashverosh as worthless, he said that they are separated and scattered. Yes, we were scattered and still are today. But what the Jews achieved was coming together as one.

Just like Haman’s plot depended on mental terror, building up fear, and lowering morale, so does Hamas’s plot. I talked about the corruption of justice and morality in its strategy in my previous blog post and linked to an article on the role of media, so I won’t go over that. But there is another part in which the reporters are complicit. They are playing the role of Tokyo Rose.. They try to undermine us by saying we’ve lost the world’s sympathy and that must prove us to be wrong or doomed. Whoever claims they lost sympathy because of Gaza would have found another reason to point to for not supporting Israel. Those who think otherwise are delusional.


In Israel the overwhelming majority support what the IDF is doing. Considering how very divided the country normally is, that is absolutely amazing achdus. Sure, there are always some political extremists who will go against the grain, but there are also people who will insist they are Napoleon. They are not the ones who define the reality of klal Yisrael. Realistically, you cannot have 100% because of that. And remember, even at the culmination of one of the greatest triumphs in Jewish history – the Purim story itself – the hero Mordechai could only claim being like by most. So that’s reality. Let’s capitalize on that most for achdus and strength to stand up for Jewish survival.  That's the way to counter the sinas chinam that stands against us. Practically speaking we can also employ the trifecta of tefila, tzedaka, and chessed to come together in support of our troops. 

Chamas: the broken moral compass

I've been blogging since 2005 (the same year Israel pulled out of Gaza, forcing its own citizens to leave their homes to clear the land for others). In all these years, I have eschewed politics. But I just cannot remain silent on this. I thought of 2 key connections in TaNaCh for the situation, and here is one of them:

You may have heard that it’s better to have a stopped clock than a broken one that keeps going. The reason for that is that the stopped one is at least right twice a day. Likewise, a broken compass is more dangerous than one that simply doesn’t move because you think you’re going in the right direction when your orientation is all wrong.  If your compass just doesn’t move, at least you know that you’re lost and you’ll have to find some other means of getting on the right track. The same holds for a broken moral compass, which so many are brandishing.

The name Chamas is about more than a terror organization; it’s about utter corruption of justice. That’s the word used for what brought the decree of the mabul. The land was filled was chamas. The word is sometimes translated as robbery and sometimes as extortion. The text doesn’t tell us that the judgment came because of arayosm, though that was rampant but because of what really amounts to a misdemeanor.  Why is that so bad?

The generation that fell into chamas was considered unsalvageable – unlike the generation that set up the Tower of Babel in an attempt to defy a Deity over them. Our tradition teaches us that G-d can even find good in people who think that can fight him so long as they show a spirit of unity and cooperation. He does not, however, find any hope in a society that shows no regard for each other.  When this is taught to children, they learn the profound importance of love for our fellow man – which has positive effect even for the worst sinners. That’s not only important but central to Jewish thought.

Those of us who are adults should be able to appreciate still another aspect of this lesson. The chamas of that generation was not just a matter of people who made a habit of causing harm to others. The reason why it was so bad is that it corrupted the whole system of justice. Extortion is not technically stealing, so the one who got money out of his victim that way could say, he acted within the law. Those who did steal outright did would claim that he only took an amount that didn’t meet the legal minimum for crime and, consequently, was not subject to persecution.

 Though many laws translate into “thou shalt nots” there is also a key “thou shalt” that all civilizations must follow in order to survive: that is to set up a system of justice.  When people find out a way to perpetuate crimes with impunity, and so justice is never served, we have an utterly corrupt society.  Now we have that situation in the way terrorists manipulate people’s sympathies to exonerate them from all the harm they do to their own people as well as the Jews they hate.

I have heard people respond to all the evidence you can offer about what Israel actually does do versus what Hamas does, and  their response amounts to this: “War is never justified, and so even if Israel is attacked, it cannot defend itself.”  They even admit that all reason goes out the window when they see a heartbreaking picture of a dead child (never mind that often those pictures are really from Syria where there countless more Muslims are murdered by Muslims). As for the knee-jerk reaction to images that sells news, read Simcha Jacovibi’s analysis of how the media perpetuates the broken compass, pointing people in the wrong direction and actually rewarding Hamas for using their own people as human shields in: Those TV cameras responsible for civilian deaths in Gaza.

I have read people seriously declare that Israel can’t fire at the places where rockets are known to be stored if there is even the possibility of a civilian casualty. You can cite all the atrocities of Hamas, but they just wave the pictures of Gazan children as the only definitive point of a moral compass. That is not to say that Israel should or does go after children. It does everything in its power and evens risks the safety of its own troops (through warnings, through ground invasion, through avoiding the annihilation through bombs that could easily have pulled off in just a day if it truly were bent on genocide as their accusers claim).

One fundamental error made in this argument about who is moral in war is in automatically favoring the side with the heaviest losses. Pointing out civilian casualties doesn’t prove who was in the right. If so, we’d have to say that instead of honoring Lincoln, we would castigate him for calling for a war in which the north pummeled the south and caused the death of more than 50,000 civilians there.  We would be forced to say the Allies were wrong simply because they had superior weapons and won the war against the greatest force of evil the world had seen until that time.

Incredible as that sounds, that’s exactly where this broken moral compass leads, as those people who claimed they are motivated by compassion and the cause of human rights lead rallies in which they call for a Jew-free country and extol Hitler’s Final Solution. Yes, in our supposedly more enlightened time, and it will get far worse if it is not stopped.  


Giving in to Hamas tactics would forever tie the hands of all victims of terror. All the terrorists would have to do is put some kids in front of their arsenals and say, “You can’t touch me because your self-defense will be twisted into a war crime.” That is a cynical corruption of justice; that is chamas.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Cheshbon

This is generally a topic for Ellul and Tishrei , but some incidents that have just come to light made me think of their current application. When it comes to making an account of our sins, we talk about din v'cheshbon. Why the double language? There are various interpretations, including one attributed to the Vilna Gaon  that offers an economic term to understand it. The din is for the wrong that was done, and the cheshbon is the opportunity cost -- the time lost to accomplishing something positive because it was put into a negative action.

 That interpretations makes sense for understanding how zdonos  can turn into zchuyos, merits. If one accomplishes teshuva, then the bad action actually led to a good one, and so both the action and the time spent on are transformed into a positive force. As for the lower level of teshuva, the zdonos become shgagos, unintentional actions, mistakes. One erases the bad but hasn't turned it all to the good, so the cheshbon, the time spent becomes neutral and still has not become a positive use. 


Today, as I was thinking of some of the scandals in the frum community that have come to light,  I thought of another possible take on the double language. The person who has acted wrongly and hurt others directly is culpable for the din. However, those who knew about it and swept it under the rug would have to give a cheshbon.  I'm sure they can give a list of reasons for why they contributed to the cover-up, ranging from not quite believing to trying to avoid a scandal that would cause harm to the spouses and children of the person who had done wrong. 


 Nevertheless, they thereby exacerbated the pain of the victims, particularly those who bravely came forward in order to prevent other from falling prey to people who were considered beyond reproach. I'm certain that there many more victims than those who spoke up; they remained silent because they knew that they would bring upon themselves vicious attacks from those who refuse to believe that a person they have placed on a pedestal not only had feet of clay but a complete disregard for betraying others' trust. 


If there's one lesson we should all take from Pinchas, it's that you cannot let a person's position blind you to what is morally right. Obviously, we can't all lay claim to being kanaim, but we still have the obligation to remove those who pose a threat. I would go further and say they should receive a punishment beyond removal from their posts of authority, but even that first step seems to be more than some are willing to take. 


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Thursday, July 03, 2014

Blueberry cake


It's blueberry season. Pick up an extra pint of these to use in this cake,  like this recipe, not only because it is easy, but because it is oil rather than butter or margarine based -- even for the crumbs. That means less saturated fat. The following recipes serves 8, for more people, simply double the recipe and bake in a 9 x 13" pan.

Crumb topped blueberry cake
1 c. flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
 1 egg
1/3 c. canola oil

1/3 c. granulated sugar
1/2 c. milk (for a pareve cake substitute soy or almond milk, or 1/4 c non-dairy creamer and 1/4 c. water)

1 c. fresh blueberries 
1 tbsp. lemon juice

Crumb topping

1/8 tsp. salt
1/4 c. flour
1/3 c. sugar 
2 tbsp. canola oil
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
Heat oven to 375 degrees. Sift dry ingredients together. Beat egg. Add milk and oil. Pour into flour mixture and stir until batter is smooth. Turn into oiled 8 x 8 x 2 inch square pan or 8 x 1 1/2 inch round pan. Add lemon juice to blueberries. Scatter over batter.
Prepare crumb topping by working ingredients into crumbly mixture. Sprinkle over blueberries. Bake about 40 minutes.

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Monday, June 02, 2014

Decking the bride

The terms used to describe the veiling of the bride is most often spelled  bedeken, but also occasionally spelled badeken,  badecken, or even badekin,   as 
there are no hard and fast rules about the English spelling of Yiddish words. 
 The Ashkenazic custom is for the groom, accompanied by friends and relatives who sing and dance around him, to approach the bride and pull the veil down over her face.    This is one of the key moments that any Jewish wedding photographer knows is a must-have shot.  Remember, the bride and groom have not seen each other for some time now.   They are usually quite happy to meet up, and their joy is reflected in their faces.  The veiling is traditionally followed by the bride getting blessed by her father, mother, and, possibly, grandparents who lay their hands over her head -- another great picture moment.
The question is: why go through this public veiling, and why make the groom responsible for it?  The practice goes back to really ancient history.  Brides would cover their faces out of modesty.  We see that in the Bible when Rivka [Rebecca] is brought over to her groom, Yitzchak [Issac], she covers her face.  
In the next generation, the cover of the bridal veil prevented Yaakov [Jacob] from realizing that he was, in fact, marrying Rachel, for his duplicitous father-in-law put her sister, Leah, in her place.  To avoid such bridal switches, the groom ascertains that the woman behind the veil is the woman he means to marry by putting it on himself.   Some also suggest that putting on the veil points to the groom's obligation to provide for his wife's clothing and other essentials, as stipulated in the kethuba.
In his book Beyom ChasunasoAn Explanation and Analysis of of the Laws and Customs of a Jewish Wedding(2007)Rabbi Zev Cinamon gives another reason for the groom's role in the veiling.  According to some opinions, the bedeken, in spreading a covering over the bride constitutes the chuppah.  Consequently, they would suggest that the groom be the one who owns the veil that he spreads  over his bride.  Some would even designate witnesses for the bedeken as an actual act of marriage (Cinamon 37).

In Megillas Ruth, the heroine of the story tells Boaz, "uparashta knafecha al amatecha" [you should spread your wings over your handmaiden] (3:9) Rashi elucidates that term to mean, spreading the wings of the garment, that is to cover her in a tallith in the terms of nesuin - marriage.   
Some people like to ascribe further meaning to the veil, by declaring it a symbol of  the fact that what's inside is the real measure of a person rather than physical beauty.  But I haven't seen that reason in historical written sources.  It also does not completely fit the custom of declaring the bride to beautiful and kind.  According to the ruling of Hillel, which trumped the ruling of Shamai, the proper thing to say at a wedding is,  "kallah na'ah vechasuda," regardless of the objective assessment of the bride in question. We literally sing the bride's praises by declaring her to be beautiful, as well as good.
 As everyone watches the bride walk down the aisle, the veil gives her some small measure of privacy.  Nevertheless, at a standard Orthodox Jewish wedding, the wedding veil will be made of the standard tulle or illusion fabric, which is very close to sheer.  Hasidic brides, on the other hand, do wear opaque veils that completely obscure their faces.  Happily, the bride is not left to make her way on her own, so her blocked vision should not result in any missteps.



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Flowers for Shavuoth and weddings


Whether you spell it chuppah, chupah, chupa, huppa, huppah, or hupa, it all refers to the wedding  canopy.  The chuppah  represents a home that the new couple enter into for the nesuin aspect of the wedding ceremony. The chuppah may be constructed of a tallith or other cloth held spread over poles. The poles may be held by four people or mounted in place. It is the custom of some Sephardim and Yekkes (Jews of German extractions) to lay a tallith over the couple during the chuppah. That practice appears consistent with the view of chuppah being constituted by draping an article of clothing referred to in the section on badekin
                    Roses now in bloom in the Cranford Rose Garden of the Brooklyn Botanic Garden

When the chuppah used is a permanent structure, it is often decorated with floral arrangements. I haven’t seen an authoritative source referring to placing flowers on the chuppah, but it would fit with the wedding ceremony’s evocation of the experience of Israel at Mount Sinai.
The Sages learn from the verse vayithyatzvu bethachtith hahar (Exodus 19:17) describing the people of Israel as encamped at the foot of the mountain that they were , in fact , under the mountain: chapa aleyhem har kegigis [G-d held the mountain over their heads like a roof or canopy] (Tractate Shabbath 88a). Though the mountain was located in the desert, it is said to have miraculously bloomed with grass and flowers when it was honored as the place where the Torah was given. This Midrash, which I’ve found ascribed to Medrash Talpiyos Os Dodoim , is often quoted as the explanation for the custom of decorating the home and synagogue with flowers on the holiday of Shavuouth. But it is possible that decorating our chuppahs with flowers reminds us of the blossoming Mount Sinai at the wedding, as well.
Follow me on Twitter @AriellaBrown and circle me at Google+  For more on Jewish weddings, see kallahmagazine.weebly.com

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The ideal age for marriage


Sweeping generalizations are served up by Guy Kawasaki in "If I Were 22: Don't Get Married Too Soon (And Always Make Your Boss Look Good)" Let's just deal with the marriage part. Here's what it says:
Don't get married too soon. I got married when I was thirty-two. That's about the right age. Until you're about that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who you're marrying. I don't know anyone who got married too late. I know many people who got married too young.
There really is not a one-age-fits-all for marriage, and as his justification for the age is knowing who you are, well, some of us reach that at 19, while others may not do do even at 35. It all depends on the individual.   So settling on a magic number for marriage is absurd, and it as absurd to make it 32 as it is to make it 20. If you click over to the article, you'll find that quite a number of the comments make a similar point, and many report having married in their early 20s and being very happy to have found their life partners that early.


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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Counting by 12s and Lag B'Omer

I'm sure there are many wedding set for this Sunday, as it is Lag B'Omer For a deeper look at this holiday, see this essay that Rabbi Brown wrote:
Sefira, the number 12, and Lag BaOmer by Rabbi Chaim Brown
12,000 pairs of students die during a brief two month period, students of the greatest sage of Torah who studied for two pairs of 12 years, and all that is left is a single great scholar who paired with his son hides in a cave for 12 years. We all recognize the story of Rabbi Akiva and the loss of his students which we mark during the Omer period, the story of his greatest student, R’ Shimon bar Yochai, who was forced to flee Roman persecution and hide in a case for twelve years and whose death we mark on Lag B’Omer, but what of the number twelve? Why is this such a central focus of the events of this period?
The Bnei Yisaschar (Chodesh Tishrei Ma’amar #7 as well as other places) explains that the 13 middot of Rabbi Yishmael used to darshen the Torah correspond to the 13 middot harachamim which we invoke when we recite selichos. Yet, these thirteen are not a single unit, but actually are divided into a group of twelve middot of chessed and one middah of din. The single middah of din, which is described by the name “K-l”, corresponds to the middah of kal v’chomer. The Talmud in fact uses the simple term “din” as a reference to kal v’chomer, e.g. the mishna in Bava Kamma uses the expression “dayo l’ba min HaDin”. Halachically, there is a fundamental difference that exists between kal v’chomer and all the other middot used to explain the Torah. Only kal v’chomer can be derived purely on the basis ofsevara, logical inference, while all the other middot require a tradition handed down from one’s teacher. The greatest chessed in the world is Hashem giving of himself to us. 
The middot of rachamim cause Hashem to reveal more of his presence in the world, and correspondingly, the middot we use to explain the Torah reveal how much more of Hashem’s presence is with us that we see through a superficial reading of the Torah. Yet, even at a time of din when Hashem’s presence is hidden, we must trust that he is with us and seek him out; even when there is no mesorah and tradition to explain a text of Torah, we are free to use kal v’chomer to seek and find that meaning ourselves. ‘Piha pascha b’chochma’, explains the Bnei Yisaschar, refers to themiddah of kal v’chomer which requires human intellect to reveal; ‘v’Toras chessed al leshona’ refers to the laws explicitly stated in the Torah which fall under the rubric of chessed.
The dichotomy between twelve and thirteen perhaps reflects on the relationship between the personalities of Rabbi Akiva and his student Rabbi Shomon bar Yochai. The gemara in Menachos tells us that Moshe Rabeinu was given a glimpse of Rabbi Akiva teaching Torah and he was confounded by the depths of the shiur. Moshe was despondent until he heard Rabbi Akiva asked the source for a halacha, to which he replied, “halacha l’Moshe m’Sinai”, it is a law which was revealed to Moshe on Sinai. Rabbi Akiva was the father of all Torah sheBa’al Peh, but like the twelve middot of chessed and twelve middot of derush, ultimately his teaching was a revelation of what was already contained within the depths and profundity of the written Torah which was revealed by Moshe.
When Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai emerged from his cave after twelve years of study everything he set his eyes on was consumed by flame. Rashb”I could not tolerate a mundane world divorced from the revelation of G-d’s holiness. Where was G-d’s presence felt in the bustling marketplace, in the day to day activities of most people’s lives – where was the chessed of Hashem apparent? Rashb”I was missing the extra year, the thirteenthmiddah, the kal v’chomer. G-d’s presence is found not just where he reveals it, but is found where we choose to discover it through our own efforts and intelligence. Din is but a mask which awaits the revelation of kal v’chomer. After one more year, the thirteenth year, in the cave, Rashb"I emerges and sees that man running home from the marketplace is not just a last minute shopper on some trivial errand, but is preparing for Shabbos. Man’s efforts may appear mundane, but they are a necessary preparation to reveal G-d’s presence in the world.
The Shev Shamytza in his introduction quotes from the Yerushalmi that Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai said that had he been at Sinai he would have asked G-d for two mouths – one mouth to speak mundane matters, and a second mouth to dedicate only to Torah. Surely, asks the Shev Shamytza, it is not prohibited to engage in necessary mundane speech – why was a second mouth needed?! He answers that Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai saw that the relationship between one’s mouth and Torah sheBa’al Peh is the same as the relationship between written Torah and its scroll. Not only are the words of Torah holy, but the container for their transmission is sanctified as well. While the words of written Torah sanctify the parchment the text is written on, the words of Torah sheBa’al Peh sanctify the mouth of man which utters them. It is not just the twelve middot of chessed which are Hashem’s revealed presence which are holy, but the mouth of mundane, physical man is holy as well, for it can reveal and discover the presence of Hashem even where not previously apparent.
In a sense, this teaching of Rashb”I is an extension of his Rebbe, Rabbi Akiva’s teaching that “Es Hashem Elokecha tirah” , the command to fear Hashem, also includes a mitzvah to respect talmidei chachamim who are not just transmitters of law, but who embody the holiness of Hashem’s presence by virtue of that role. Perhaps this idea sheds light on the tragic death of Rabbi Akiva’s students who, the Talmud records, failed in some way to properly honor each other. I doubt that these students did not recognize their role in transmitting the teaching their Rebbe revealed, yet perhaps each one did not recognize that the nuance and subtlety of their different personalities which added to color that transmission was like thekal v’chomer, a further revelvation, rather than a mundane obstacle to be overcome.
The power of man to create and reveal greater levels of kedusha is captured in the halachic dispute regarding when to start the entire process of sefira. The Talmud records a debate between the Sages and the Tzedukim over how to interpret the words “M’macharas haShabbos”, the day after Shabbos, when we begin counting. The Tzedukim held that the count must begin only on Sunday, but Chazal taught that Shabbos here refers to the night after the first day of Pesach, irrespective of which day of the week it falls on. Aside from the hermeneutical issue, there was an unstated philosophical disagreement underlying the dispute. Shabbos is inherently a day which is kadosh based on Hashem declaring and revealing it to be so from the first week of creation – it is a day of chessed. Yom Tov, on the other hand, depends of Bais Din’s declaration of the month on a specific date – it requires an act of din, an act of declaration and discovery by man. Shabbos is the Shechina imposing itself onto the world; Yom Tov is the day where we draw the Shechina into the world. The Chachamim understood that kedusha is not only that which descends from above, but kedusha can also come about by man rising up to draw it down into our lives through the power of Torah sheBa’al Peh.
To emulate Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Shimon bar Yoachi involves more than a trip to Meron and lighting a bonfire. It involves recognizing the inherent sanctity of all aspects of our life, of not relegating holiness to the cave and the mundane to the marketplace, but of realizing Torah as an all encompassing vision.

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Thursday, May 01, 2014

Unmentionables

Someone recently brought up the issue of kallah classes because of an article that related a very bad experience one bride had. I'm sure there are excellent kallah teachers out there, but there are also some who do the kallahs a disservice --- even if they mean well.

I found a most eloquent description of the problem in the the comment left by "Mom" on March 30, 2014 puts things in perspective. I can't top her words. http://jewishmom.com/2011/06/29/the-wedding-night-nightmare-by-anonymous/ (the article focused on a real physical condiiton that was not diagnosed correctly for a long time, a common occurence). I'll just quote the last part of the key comment here:
I had always been proud of my daughter for being a “good girl” who didn’t talk to boys and was careful with tsnius. Of course I’m still all for that, but we also have to find a way to send a more calibrated message to our daughters. I think too many of them suppress their natural desires because it feels “bad”. We can’t undo 20 years of condition with a few weeks of Kallah classes, where we talk about the holiness of intimacy. So we send them into marriage with many a combination of lofty thoughts about soul mates connecting and some apprehension of the “first night” pain, and assume it will all work out. We need to find a way to maintain our daughters’ tsnius while helping them stay in touch with their physicality. Without this, we’re setting them up for serious pain — emotional as well as physical. When there is no devek holding the new couple together (who in our circles only know each other for a few months at most)and something that is supposed to unite them is pushing them far apart in every way, we run the risk of divorce, G-d forbid — and that is certainly not holy!
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Related posts: http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/12/book-on-halachos-of-marital-relations.html 
 http://www.examiner.com/article/what-they-didn-t-teach-you-school-jewish-intimacy-and-pre-wed-classes-part-1