New page to make it easy to find the aspect of the Jewish wedding that you seek

New page indexes the articles on aspects of the Jewish wedding at http://kallahmagazine.com/JewishWedding.html This page also contains the index to articles on kallah classes and recommended online sources and texts.
I already had an index up for wedding planning tips at http://www.kallahmagazine.com/WeddingAdvice.html

What is being way above average worth?

Not enough. I like to check my stats regularly. At this point, for today, my page views are about double the NY average, and & times (a nice number, considering I just wrote about sheva brachos) the "religion and spirituality average. And that yields jut 20 cents. You read that right -- the amount of just 2 dimes, 4 nickels, or 20 pennies. Yes, by day's end, the number will probably be higher, but it rarely goes above 70 cents for a day. Maybe I will break a buck if you guys subscribe to my Examiner page at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner.
The latest posts are on aspects of the Jewish wedding. But I also have a lot of practical stuff up, like NY marriage license requirement, engagement ring pointers, wedding gown and veil tips, florist terms, and how to save on wedding photography and video.

Add on $1.20

If you buy water bottles in New York, you will find another $1.20 tacked on to the price of your 24 pack. While the deposit has been in effect for soda bottles and cans for years, as of November 8th, the Empire State started assessing a 5 cent deposit on each water bottle. According to the law, though, any place that collects this tax also must refund it when the bottle is returned. So if you do save the bottles -- as should be required for recycling laws -- you can return them to the store. However, based on my experience with soda bottles, you will sometimes have to return them to the particular store you bought them from because stores will usually not accept bottles they do not sell.

Some practical reasons to not try to beat the system

See http://www.budgetsaresexy.com/2009/11/want-to-keep-more-money-obey-law.html

Seeking princes with the following:

This just came in on the neighborhood listShadchan seeking boys between the ages of 22-26 who are Yirei Shamayim, in their thoughts and in their deeds, who are ambitious, and who have a job or are taking the necessary steps to earn a decent parnossah , that will be adequate to support a family B'Ezras Hashem


Ah so many terms here open to interpretation. Like, what is a "Yirei Shamayim" in terms of "deeds?" Is it enough that he doesn't work on Shabbos? Must he also abstain from sports on Shabbos? What of the way he dresses on Shabbos? As for "in there thoughts," would someone test them in their emunah? Or do they mean what they like to read, watch, listen to during their leisure time.

Ambitious in terms of what? From the context, it would seem in terms of earning money. But there are many possible ambitions -- to discover a cure for diseases, to establish a yeshiva, to run for political office, to hold up Torah values to the best of one's ability.

And what is "decent parnossah?" That reminds me of the discussion between the sisters in Sense and Sensibility. The elder said that "wealth" is one of the attributes to seek, while the younger insisted just a "competency." But, in fact, what the younger had in mind by her "competence," estimated at eighteen hundred to two-thousand a year far exceeded the one thousand her sister had in mind for "wealth."

Take 2, add 10, to yield 7

When do you do that? Under the chuppah. You start with the couple, add a minyan, and then recite the sheva brachos. See http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m11d17-Aspects-of-the-Jewish-Wedding-the-Seven-Blessings

Kids are really useful when you need to find something

When I misplace something, i.e., keys (most common), phone (major drawback to something not attached to a cord) or, as today, my credit card, usually a child succeeds in finding it. I had not actually used it since last Thursday. And I did contact the last store at which I had used it to check it if I had left it behind. But I recalled that I was considering placing an online order Saturday night and had even gotten as far as taking my credit card out of my purse to fill in the info. I decided to hold off on the order. But the question is why wasn't my card back in my purse. I had searched around the computer and around the purse to no avail. I asked for my children's assistance. My middle daughter discovered another card that had fallen into the draw of the desk where my purse was. So I concluded that the card I sought must have fallen in, as well. And so it was.

So are kids smarter? I don't think that is it. I think they have a somewhat different perspective, which is what allows them to approach things and see them differently. So if the standard tactics aren't working, bring in a kid.

Finances: True or False Quiz

I just took the money bunk quiz at http://www.kiplinger.com/quiz/truth_bunk/index.html?qid=13. The only one I got wrong was the mortgage question. Go ahead and give it a go yourself.

So do you like suprise gifts?

I have to thank Mother in Israel for her tweet, which brought this blog to my attention. The question on this is post from someone asking what to do now that her grandfather just bought her a car drew quite a range of responses. The real answer, of course, is "it depends." I pointed out "it depends" on what strings would be attached to the gift. Others stressed that the grandfather, obviously, wanted to give it, so the only gracious thing to do is to accept it. Actually, this dilemma could be a good one to bring up on a date or even when engaged to ascertain a person's outlook on money, independence, and relationships. Check it out at http:///without-asking-my-grandfather-just.html

I may be quick, but I don't believe I'm that quick

I think something must be off on Pearson's record for yesterday. It reports that I read 4657 essays, which include 216validity papers in 8.5 hours. I have never hit a thousand essays in a single day, even if ended up scoring for upwards of 20 hours. I think my best time would be near 70 essays to an hour. Also there are usually no more than 25 validity papers in a day. So the only conclusion I can draw is there must be a goof that shows the total reads to date for the scoring session as the reads of the date.

Heartstrings

I made the image to the left to illustrate my post on reasons for a kallah giving her chasson a tallith. You can read it here: http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m11d15-The-tallith-a-gift-to-the-groom-from-the-heart

A higher degree leads to . . .

A higher degree does not necessarily translate into higher pay. I know this from personal experience. But others have observed this to be the case even across two levels of degree.

One of the comments that appeared on a Higher Ed Jobs post on Linked in was from Gwendolyn Henderson, Department Head (School District of Hillsborough County).

In researching positions I came across an academic advisor posting paying $30K (masters required....1-2 yrs. exp. in higher edu). That is $14.42 per hour...which is what my former "high school" students earn talking on the phone as customer service reps. for various companies with a "high school" diploma. One would conclude, working in acdemia requires six years more education to earn the income of a high school graduate capable of answering a phone call for someone making a inquiry about their cell phone bill. Sad...I know.

Yitzchak greets his bride

In Parshas Chayei Sarah, we see the the details of a wedding for the first time in Tanach. Obviously, there were couples married before Yitzchak and Rivka, but theirs is the first one to show the Erusin / Kiddushin and Nesuin. Eliezer serves as Yitzchak's agent in betrothing Rivka. While we give a ring, he bestows on her the nose ring, and two bracelets. (24:22) . When her parents and brother suggest a delay of the traditional year-long engagement, or at least 10 months, Eliezer insists he must proceed immediately. Rivka affirms her commitment in the single word, "elech" [I will go] (24:55-56,58).

When their caravan of camels approach the field where Yitzchak is, Rivka sees him and asks Eliezers "who is that man, there , who walks in the field toward us?" Eliezer replies that he is his master. Rivka then covers herself with her scarf" (24: 64-65) The last verse is the source for bridal veils. Rivka covered her face as she was approaching nesuin with Yitzchak.
This was her trip down the aisle, so to speak. Her groom then came out to greet her and escort her into the chuppah, which was an actual home.

The commentator, Hakethav Vehakabala explains that Yitzchak was, in fact, going out to greet his bride. He was sensitive to the fact that she was coming away from her family to become his wife and wanted to show her a warm welcome and honor.. That is why he left his usual dwelling place in the south to the area of Be'er Lechay Roee, and then walked out into the field toward the path that travellers would traverse on the way from Charan. That way he was sure to see his bride and be able to escort the rest of the way. Like the grooms who come out from the chuppah to escort their brides in, Yitzchak borought Rivka to the tent of Sarah his mother to make her his wife (24:67).

I've heard of renting flowers for weddings, but this . . .

I saw an online ad that offers rentals of silk flower arrangements for Shabbos. It reads as follows: "Pre-made Silk Flower Shabbos Bouquet for Rent or Sale. Why buy Flowers for $15-$50 that will die when you can rent them. . . . Rentals only $15 from Friday- Wednesday $1.50 for every additional day we have many to choose from so you can Pick up a new one every week."

I really don't this is as an economical choice. You can buy a pretty nice bouquet of fresh flowers for $15 or less, so if that is what you want to spend for flowers you will only keep from a Friday to Wednesday, then you may as well get fresh. In fact, I have bought flowers at Stop and Shop and Gourmet Glatt for just $3 to $4 a bunch. If I wanted something more extravagant, I could spend $6 to $7 on two for a fuller bouquet.

If I would be opting to save money by getting silk instead, it only makes sense to buy the flowers and keep them forever after rather than paying what they cost every single week. Silk flowers generally cost $1 to $2 a stem. What they're offering would only make sense as fund raiser for a tzedaka. Then you would be, essentially donating the $15 and getting the temporary flowers as a token of appreciation of sorts.

Labels, grr!

It's not enough to have labels based on affiliations, we have to have subcategory labels. And supposedly, all who fall into that subcategory label will act exactly the same. I just saw a topic title on a forum with a poll offering yes or no to the following: "Do most YU Machmir people only use checked Romaine Lettuce?"

Personally, I buy the standard Romaine lettuce and wash and check it myself. I usually only do this for Pesach. But for year round, I wash and the lettuce we use for salad. I also train my daughters to check the red and green leaf lettuce. I have found tiny bugs on occasion, so it is not an unnecessary precaution to check the leaves. I also explain to my daughters that certain vegetables are very difficult to check, which is one of the reasons I tend not to buy them.

But where I went to school or did not go to school really is irrelevant. What exactly are YU Machmir people supposed to be machmir on? Cholov Yisroel? Hilchos Shabbos? Taharas hamishpacha? Emunas chachamim? Or is it only matters of kashrus?

Hillel's approach for Chanukah and for couples

I was going to wait until closer to Chanukah to post this, but because a question came up in the guest post on http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2009/11/guest-post-on-gifts.html, I decided to share it early.

In Made in Heaven: A Jewish Wedding Guide, (Moznaim Publishing, 1983 p. 32), Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan brings up the issue of squandering money on lavish weddings that should be put to better use in providing the couple with necessities. He recalls an illustration offered by his friend, Rabbi Shmuel Mendelson. Hillel and Shamai had different views about the order in which Chanukah candles should be lit. As we know, we follow the opinion of Beis Hillel, which is to begin with one and add on a candle each successive night. However, Beis Shamai’s view was that the candles should parallel the cows offered during Sukkos, which began with the full number but went down one each day.

Rabbi Mendelson observed that Beis Shamai’s approach is followed by those who believe they must start out married life with everything. They are the ones who would register for the expensive china and silver sets, buy full suites of Italian furniture, and set it all up in a home they cannot afford to keep up. “When they begin, they have everything.” But when reality sets in and their income cannot keep up with their expenses, “they find their lives diminishing.”

Then there are couples who see the wisdom of Beis Hillel’s approach in their own life. “They can start off with one candle – with very little.” These are the ones who make do with a modest apartment furnished with second-hand pieces and dishes that are priced by the set rather than the place setting. So they do not begin in a blaze of glory. “But for the rest of their life they are adding.”

Guest post on gifts

"Jed" asked me to post the following:"">Being aware that many choshuv rabbonim have established guidelines for keeping down wedding costs, I was slightly disturbed to come across this article detailing which gifts "must" be given between the chosson and kallah (or their families). What are the common traditions, and what is just "minhag hallmark" as far as gifts between the couple prior to the wedding? See http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2009/11/hillels-approach-for-chanukah-and-for.html

Deep sea diving

The Torah is referred to as water and even as the sea. When learning Torah, one plunges in to attempt to explore the depths. Like deep sea diver, they may succeed in pulling up some of the treasures that lay hidden or discover some as yet unclassified plant or animal. It would be ludicrous for anyone to claim that they know all there is to know about the sea on the basis of their own explorations. There is far more out there than any individual could cover in a lifetime.

Computers in the classroom

Would you think that is a good thing? Yesterday my daughter checked out a school that boasts about giving every single student her own laptop. My daughter noted that the laptops are, indeed, put to use during class. While some may actually take down notes on them, which is supposedly what they are intended for in noncomputer classes, others use it to surf the web, go on Facebook, check email, or send texts (though, admittedly they could do that anyway with just a phone). What was heralded as a tool for learning easily slips into a distraction for learning. I know that even college students would fall into distractions when they would bring laptops into class. The less mature high school students could hardly be expected to resist temptation, particularly in a school that takes a rather light approach to discipline.

You know that even when going to the moon, the scientists were still using the slide rule to make their calculations. It seems to me that the generation of long ago were not at all educationally disadvantaged by their lack of smart boards, advanced calculators, and access to the internet.

It may be a dream, but the city is awake

In Hebrew, the word ir usually means city. But in the book of Daniel 4:10 it appears as the word for something else. Nevuchadnetzar recalls his second dream in the book. Among the visions is what is caleld "ir vekadish min shemaya." The word "ir" here refers to an angel, as it also does in the plural for of irin kadishin. The Da'as Mikrah, drawing on a number of classical commentators, explains that the root here is made up of the letters ayin, vav, reysh -- meaning awake. I suppose angels don't sleep. But it struck me how the word for awake is conflated with the word for city -- indeed, the city never sleeps.

The chuppah and Sinai

I had an idea about flowers on the chuppah. See it at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m11d11-Aspects-of-the-Jewish-wedding-standing-under-the-chuppah

The Kethuba

AKA the Ketuba, Kesuba, Kesubah . . .well, you get the point.
See
http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m11d10-Aspects-of-the-Jewish-wedding-the-Kethuba
My own spin is built on the fact that the kethusba begins with the letter beth, AKA bais, bet, well, you get the point.
This is extracted from the post above: >The kethuba begins with the day of the week on which the marriage takes place. It also begins with the letter beth . In Made in Heaven: A Jewish Wedding Guide, (Moznaim Publishing, 1983) Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan (p. 107) points out that the first letter of each kethuba is the same as the first letter of the Torah. Just as the Torah attest to the bond between G-d and His people, the kethubah documents the bond between husband and wife. I would add to that what our Sages say about the beginning of the Torah fits in well with that observation. The Torah begins with the same letter that begins the word bracha [blessing]. As the second letter of the alphabet, the letter beth also stands for two. It is necessary to expand beyond the singular in order to come to a state of blessing. (The Maharal explains that the association is not arbitrary but inherent in the meaning of blessing,) The concept is most apt for a marriage in which two people come together in an event of blessing, highlighted by the sheva brachos [seven blessings].

Still the same after all these years

I was reading through reviews of wedding photographers on a wedding site. Though the site is not oriented toward a Jewish audience, it does include some Jewish owned photography studios. One of them was the one that shot my wedding way over a decade ago. The reviewer was not happy with her experience. Among the unpleasant things she recounts is being ordered by the photographer into poses she was uncomfortable with. She had to say "no" 4 times before being heard. I remember having the exact same experience. I didn't like being told to hold the veil this way or that, etc. And for all their claim of knowing what the poses should be, the results were not at all impressive. The reviewer attributes the poor performance to the owner being present for too short a time. But if the photographers were truly professional, they would not need the owner there to perform properly. And while she offers the possibility that her experience was an aberration, I remember being quite displeased myself.

Why a ring for kiddushin?

There are quite a few reasons for the custom of using a ring. See http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m11d9-Aspects-of-the-Jewish-weddings-the-symbolism-of-the-ring#

Shadchanus and family

I know someone who was upset by the notification from a relative that she would consider setting up this person's daughter with someone so long as her terms were clear. They were as follows:

I charge $2000/side for people in chutz la'aretz (first-time marriages, 29 years or under, no special needs or conditions)In other words, she would expect $2000 (from each side) if the shidduch came off even though this seems to be about a re-introduction, not someone they had not known of before.

I told the person that it is sad that she makes it clear she would not pick up the phone if she is not assured she would be paid for the shidduch. But from her perspective, she is charging for her service. The fact that the service is for a relative -- as far as she sees it-- is no reason to give up her fee. I'm not saying I agree with her point of view, but I believe that she thinks she is entitled to make money on this deal as she would on any other.

From my perspective, it is cold and calculating, to not lift a finger to promote a shidduch without assurance of renumeration. There is a notion of chessed and altruism. If we only did things for money, there would be no volunteering -- no one packing the boxes for Tomchei Shabbos or delivering them. There would be no kallah teachers who forego the fee leshem mitzvah. I try to instill such values in my own children who get dragged over to pack the boxes and are told not to demand money when babysitting for cousins. They also see that I have committed to cover dispatch for Chaverim every week. So I do understand the business perspective, but one's view should not be that limited -- particularly when dealing with family that may have done and in future do favors for you.