I found a most eloquent description of the problem in the the comment left by "Mom" on March 30, 2014 puts things in perspective. I can't top her words. http://jewishmom.com/2011/06/29/the-wedding-night-nightmare-by-anonymous/ (the article focused on a real physical condiiton that was not diagnosed correctly for a long time, a common occurence). I'll just quote the last part of the key comment here:
I had always been proud of my daughter for being a “good girl” who didn’t talk to boys and was careful with tsnius. Of course I’m still all for that, but we also have to find a way to send a more calibrated message to our daughters. I think too many of them suppress their natural desires because it feels “bad”. We can’t undo 20 years of condition with a few weeks of Kallah classes, where we talk about the holiness of intimacy. So we send them into marriage with many a combination of lofty thoughts about soul mates connecting and some apprehension of the “first night” pain, and assume it will all work out. We need to find a way to maintain our daughters’ tsnius while helping them stay in touch with their physicality. Without this, we’re setting them up for serious pain — emotional as well as physical. When there is no devek holding the new couple together (who in our circles only know each other for a few months at most)and something that is supposed to unite them is pushing them far apart in every way, we run the risk of divorce, G-d forbid — and that is certainly not holy!
Related posts: http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/12/book-on-halachos-of-marital-relations.html