Stacking the deck for shidduchim
The internet can certainly be a bad thing for the Jews. I am not thinking about anti-Semitic sites, Messianic sites, the bloggers who get a bad rap, or even the loads of tiflus that abounds on social sites. I am thinking about how it gave rise to shidduch resumes and specious research.
I picked up the latest copy of the magazine referenced in http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-editors-should-really-do-their.html. It includes an article entitled "Present an Effective Shidduch Resume and Reference List" by Judy Akoros. Judy, who boasts of her accomplishments in redting and making shidduchim, also boasts of having graduated from Columbia and being a principal at an unnamed girls' high school in her bio. So there are the credentials that set out to put her in the best possible lights, much as she advises for those who compose their shidduch resumes.
She starts her article by saying, "I have just finished reviewing resumes for an available position at our high school." She then goes on to describe how she had to toss out 17 for sloppiness, which "is symptomatic of a person with sloppy work habits." She then "reviewed the last three by googling the condidates' names, discarding two after finding that one had just come out of jail for a DWI offense and another because of her inappropriate online pictures." Now, she informs us, she is only down to one. Then she shifts to the topic of the article by saying, "I haven't only been reviewing resumes for the new teaching position. I've been helping my sister review shidduch resumes for my nephew."
By juxtaposing the two, she makes it clear that she regards the shidduch applicant with the same scrutiny as she does the job applicant. To make it even more obvious, the central box of types declares: "IN THE WORKFORCE, A RESUME IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO CAREFULLY CRAFT AN IMAGE AND PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD. IN SHIDDUCHIM, THE PAPER THAT PRESENTS YOU TO PEOPLE SHOULD BE THE SAME." Take that, all you people who insist that there is a difference to you hope to emphasize by calling it a profile!
As for the implication that merely googling the person's name will reveal whatever the person wishes to conceal, that is simply not true. Google only brings up web results. If a person's arrest did not get mentioned in a public web forum, it will not be found on Google. There are sites that will offer to obtain a full background check on a person, including arrests, law suits, etc., but those go through services that require membership and a fee. Another limitation of Google, as well as even more specialized search services, such http://www.123people.com is that there tend to be more than one person in the world and even the country with the exact same name. A search on my name reveals a lot of results that are not even related to me. There are a 2 of us on LinkedIn and even more on Facebook, not to mention all those who are not actively on the web but still on the record. I am not even the sole blogger under my name, though it is safe to say that I am the only blogging under the name of Kallah Magazine.
But here's a truly interesting thing coming from the woman who suggests that Google reveals all, her name does not come up anywhere. Strange isn't it? It is also somewhat strange that she boasts of her position but does not mention the school's name. Given her own advice of deliberately omitting anything on your resume that is not wholly positive, that may be somewhat suspicious. In offering her guidelines for the "family" section of the resume, she says: to "include your siblings and their spouses, if applicable. Includes the names and numbers of machatonim, as long as your family has a positive relationship with them." Did you catch that? You only put in the contact info for the positives. Right, no one will ever guess that you're trying to hide something when you include your sister's in-laws but not your brother's. You would think someone with a suspicious mind such as hers would have thought of that.
Why do I insinuate she is suspicious? That is because her advice for references is "NO SINGLE FRIENDS." She offers an example of someone who sabotaged her suggested girl by telling the boy, "Shira is -- she is -- so unbeliebably tall -- like such a big girl -- really tall and big.. Oh, and she's really a great girl...." The boy then dropped the Shira suggestion like a hot potato. If you ask me, though, she is better off without such a superficial person who will pass on someone just because someone describes her as "tall and big." The reference was supposed to have misrepresented a girl of 5'6 1/2" in this case because he wanted people to ask for his sister rather than this Shira. Look, if this guy would stab someone in the back by lying like that, he has more serious problems than a single sister on his hands.
Does anyone see how very stupid it is to play into this game and plot one's strategy in the way she suggests? Most people have a single person in their circle of family and friends. It is virtually impossible to eliminate anyone who would not have their own shidduch agenda. Even if it is not one's daughter or sister, it could be one's niece, cousin, aunt, granddaughter, neighbor, or former student. You'd have to find a recluse to serve as reference, and, obviously, that does not work. Another point about references, people do not limit themselves to the ones they know you expect to only giving a glowing report. When I researched the use and abuse of shidduch resumes for the article that appeared in Kallah Magazine I heard from many mothers who said they make a point of going beyond the references on the resume.
[At the time I posted this, I also included a sample resume with names and other identifying features modified with a link to it here]. I would hasten to point out, though, that in real life, the girl got engaged to someone who did not correspond to what she presented on her resume as what she was looking for. There is, certainly, a lesson there about how reducing oneself to a piece of paper, or rather, as Judy suggests, a PDF, can close a lot of more doors than it opens. As all recruiters and human resources people know, the primary function of a resume is to screen candidates out -- not in -- just as Judy did with her 19 resumes from applicants. This resume system combines the quick-to-dismiss attitude of internet dating with the egotism already in place in shidduchim, to produce a monstrous hybrid that does not truly serve people who deserve consideration as individuals rather than vital statistics.
I picked up the latest copy of the magazine referenced in http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-editors-should-really-do-their.html. It includes an article entitled "Present an Effective Shidduch Resume and Reference List" by Judy Akoros. Judy, who boasts of her accomplishments in redting and making shidduchim, also boasts of having graduated from Columbia and being a principal at an unnamed girls' high school in her bio. So there are the credentials that set out to put her in the best possible lights, much as she advises for those who compose their shidduch resumes.
She starts her article by saying, "I have just finished reviewing resumes for an available position at our high school." She then goes on to describe how she had to toss out 17 for sloppiness, which "is symptomatic of a person with sloppy work habits." She then "reviewed the last three by googling the condidates' names, discarding two after finding that one had just come out of jail for a DWI offense and another because of her inappropriate online pictures." Now, she informs us, she is only down to one. Then she shifts to the topic of the article by saying, "I haven't only been reviewing resumes for the new teaching position. I've been helping my sister review shidduch resumes for my nephew."
By juxtaposing the two, she makes it clear that she regards the shidduch applicant with the same scrutiny as she does the job applicant. To make it even more obvious, the central box of types declares: "IN THE WORKFORCE, A RESUME IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO CAREFULLY CRAFT AN IMAGE AND PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD. IN SHIDDUCHIM, THE PAPER THAT PRESENTS YOU TO PEOPLE SHOULD BE THE SAME." Take that, all you people who insist that there is a difference to you hope to emphasize by calling it a profile!
As for the implication that merely googling the person's name will reveal whatever the person wishes to conceal, that is simply not true. Google only brings up web results. If a person's arrest did not get mentioned in a public web forum, it will not be found on Google. There are sites that will offer to obtain a full background check on a person, including arrests, law suits, etc., but those go through services that require membership and a fee. Another limitation of Google, as well as even more specialized search services, such http://www.123people.com is that there tend to be more than one person in the world and even the country with the exact same name. A search on my name reveals a lot of results that are not even related to me. There are a 2 of us on LinkedIn and even more on Facebook, not to mention all those who are not actively on the web but still on the record. I am not even the sole blogger under my name, though it is safe to say that I am the only blogging under the name of Kallah Magazine.
But here's a truly interesting thing coming from the woman who suggests that Google reveals all, her name does not come up anywhere. Strange isn't it? It is also somewhat strange that she boasts of her position but does not mention the school's name. Given her own advice of deliberately omitting anything on your resume that is not wholly positive, that may be somewhat suspicious. In offering her guidelines for the "family" section of the resume, she says: to "include your siblings and their spouses, if applicable. Includes the names and numbers of machatonim, as long as your family has a positive relationship with them." Did you catch that? You only put in the contact info for the positives. Right, no one will ever guess that you're trying to hide something when you include your sister's in-laws but not your brother's. You would think someone with a suspicious mind such as hers would have thought of that.
Why do I insinuate she is suspicious? That is because her advice for references is "NO SINGLE FRIENDS." She offers an example of someone who sabotaged her suggested girl by telling the boy, "Shira is -- she is -- so unbeliebably tall -- like such a big girl -- really tall and big.. Oh, and she's really a great girl...." The boy then dropped the Shira suggestion like a hot potato. If you ask me, though, she is better off without such a superficial person who will pass on someone just because someone describes her as "tall and big." The reference was supposed to have misrepresented a girl of 5'6 1/2" in this case because he wanted people to ask for his sister rather than this Shira. Look, if this guy would stab someone in the back by lying like that, he has more serious problems than a single sister on his hands.
Does anyone see how very stupid it is to play into this game and plot one's strategy in the way she suggests? Most people have a single person in their circle of family and friends. It is virtually impossible to eliminate anyone who would not have their own shidduch agenda. Even if it is not one's daughter or sister, it could be one's niece, cousin, aunt, granddaughter, neighbor, or former student. You'd have to find a recluse to serve as reference, and, obviously, that does not work. Another point about references, people do not limit themselves to the ones they know you expect to only giving a glowing report. When I researched the use and abuse of shidduch resumes for the article that appeared in Kallah Magazine I heard from many mothers who said they make a point of going beyond the references on the resume.
[At the time I posted this, I also included a sample resume with names and other identifying features modified with a link to it here]. I would hasten to point out, though, that in real life, the girl got engaged to someone who did not correspond to what she presented on her resume as what she was looking for. There is, certainly, a lesson there about how reducing oneself to a piece of paper, or rather, as Judy suggests, a PDF, can close a lot of more doors than it opens. As all recruiters and human resources people know, the primary function of a resume is to screen candidates out -- not in -- just as Judy did with her 19 resumes from applicants. This resume system combines the quick-to-dismiss attitude of internet dating with the egotism already in place in shidduchim, to produce a monstrous hybrid that does not truly serve people who deserve consideration as individuals rather than vital statistics.
Comments
It makes sense to present oneself in the best possible light, but the kind of scheming suggested would most likely be discovered through diligent research. And then how would it look? Eek.
Besides the internet giving rise to shidduch resumes, specious research, and even quick rejections, do you think they might just end up in that mess of papers on the desk, retarding an already slow process?
Those who are in favor of shidduch resumes say that they speed up the process. From what I've found, they only speed up the process of rejection because people will dismiss someone out of hand based on something on the resume without even beginning to call the references. I don't think it really expedites putting shidduchim through. Even if the resume makes the first cut because it was free of typos etc., that does not mean all attention will be concentrated on that one. Supposedly some young men's representatives get flooded with resumes. And when one has a lot of potential candidates represented by a lot of resumes, one loses a sense of urgency. There are so many fish available in the sea of files after all.
I really see no upside to it at all aside from sparing a couple of people the trouble of writing down some names and phone numbers.