Shopping for a shidduch
I recommend you read the whole article, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/modern-dating-odds-economy-apps-tinder-math/606982/
This quote is from Logan Ury, abehavioral economics researcher and dating who describes singles' tendcies of "relationshopping.”
“People, especially as they get older, really know their preferences. So they think that they know what they want,” Ury said—and retroactively added quotation marks around the words “know what they want.” “Those are things like ‘I want a redhead who’s over 5’7”,’ or ‘I want a Jewish man who at least has a graduate degree.’” So they log in to a digital marketplace and start narrowing down their options. “They shop for a partner the way that they would shop for a camera or Bluetooth headphones,” she said.
But, Ury went on, there’s a fatal flaw in this logic: No one knows what they want so much as they believe they know what they want. Actual romantic chemistry is volatile and hard to predict; it can crackle between two people with nothing in common and fail to materialize in what looks on paper like a perfect match. Ury often finds herself coaching her clients to broaden their searches and detach themselves from their meticulously crafted “checklists.”
One match I made there early on happened because, though both were already in their thirties, they weren't fixated on finding a strict reflection of themselves. She was a Brooklyn-born, Ashkenazi FFB; he was an Israel-born, Sephardi BT. I have loads of singles who would have refused on just one of those counts of dissimilar background, but they gave it a shot and even kept it up over disruptions like travel for work and vacation over the summer. Letting go of the picture of what one believes would work is what enables one to actually accept the person for what s/he is and build a relationship person to perso.
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