Shidduch dating tips

This is not my list. This is what Saw You at Sinai posted for girls. It's posted at http://news.yahoo.com/jewish-dating-sawyouatsinai-provides-female-dating-tips-create-160235424.html I checked but couldn't find a parallel list for boys.

If I were giving the advice, I''d keep it much simpler: Be a mensch. As Hillel told the prospective convert who wanted to know all of Torah on one foot -- what is hateful to you, don't do to another.(see http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2012/02/all-you-need-is.html) The rest is all commentary. The same holds true in this case. For example, isn't it obvious, if a guy gives you options, that he wants you to respond with what you would prefer?
Anyway here's the list of tips.

Preparing for the Date:
  •     If the male has called twice with no response and left a voicemail, then at that point the female should be courteous, and either return the call, or text the male to let them know when they will be available to speak.
  •     If the male suggests a few options of where to go or what to do on the date, then it would be appreciated if the female gives her preference. This will lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable date. If there is an activity, or a type of food/restaurant that the female does not like, that could also be mentioned.
During the Dating:
  •     When out on the date, make sure to say thank you. Whether the male held open the door, dropped you off at home after the date, paid for the date etc, men really notice when someone shows appreciation and it makes a huge impact. This simple courtesy speaks volumes about a person’s character.
  •     Offering to pay for part of the date, even if the man has no intention of letting the woman pay, is still acknowledged and appreciated nonetheless.
  •     If you are quiet/shy, it is important to make a concerted effort to participate in the conversation, so that it is not awkward on the male, and pressure for them to continue speaking throughout.
  •     Feedback has shown that women who tell their date that they are last of their friends to get married is a big turn off. The man can interpret this as the meaning that the woman is desperate.
  •     For either party to discuss any former relationships/dates early on in the relationship is very off putting to the other person.
  •     If you know you are going to close the match, do not state that you’ve had such a wonderful time and would like to see the match again. This is misleading and gives the other person a false hope. This is a mistake that has been done by both males and females. Rather express thanks for the person’s time or say you would like to think about it, so you come across appreciative but still genuine.
After The Date:
  •     Please be in touch with the matchmaker (or match directly) within 1-2 days to let them know if you wish to continue dating that person or not. It is unfair to leave the person waiting.
  •     Even if you realize that the person is not for you, please think about whether they would be good for a friend of yours. This is a fantastic attitude for everyone to have.
These tips have been helping members to make the dating experience a positive and effective one.



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Comments

Orthonomics said…
I once offered to pay for my own coffee (I think I was either getting cold feet at the time or maybe it was a second time around date that prompted my own offer) and it was not well received. Curious if there is really a consensus on the issue.
Adam said…
I once dated this girl. She offered to pay for lunch on our first date. I accepted.

We just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

There are no rules! (other than actual halacha, of course).

Just relax, be yourself, and have a good time. If two people like each other when they aren't putting on a false front, that's a pretty good indication that they will be happy together in a marriage.

Ariella said…
Mazel tov, Adam. You said it!
Abacaxi Mamao said…
I used to offer to pay on a first date, but I stopped because it just flustered men. A few times, they said that I could pay for my own drink (coffee), but not theirs. Now, that's just weird.
Abacaxi Mamao said…
Also, this was interesting to me:

"Feedback has shown that women who tell their date that they are last of their friends to get married is a big turn off. The man can interpret this as the meaning that the woman is desperate."

Let's say that you are, like me, 33 and single (never married). It is likely, if you are observant/Orthodox, that most of your friends are married and have children by then. I'm not sure what "desperate" implies in this case (a sad sack who would marry the first man who seemed interested in her?), but yeah, of course I really, really want to get married and have a passel of children, etc.

I don't think I ever intentionally bring it up (why would I?), but I sort of feel like commiserating over how hard it is to be "older" and single is nice. I think that guys usually mention something first, though. It never makes me think they're desperate. (Mostly because I think that most single guys in their 30s who are nice and not too strange could be married if they wanted to be. Maybe not the guy I recently went out with who had gotten a BA with great difficulty and only barely, had a part-time hourly-wage job, no plan for getting a full-time job or an advanced degree, and a congenital birth defect that meant he only had one arm. He was perfectly nice, but really boring. I feel bad only giving guys like that one date, but I think it's probably worse to give them two dates, knowing that three would be impossible. Details have been changed to protect the innocent.)

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