Do learning men make the best husbands?
This post was inspired by the two extremes: the people who think that asking whether a young man learns is irrelevant for someone considering him for a shidduch and those who think that it is important -- but for the wrong reason. The first is fairly obvious. That view is a rationalist one that would see learning as something that goes on outside the relationship and so not pertinent to it. The opposing view maintains that it is pertinent, but uses an argument that is subjective. I quote from a comment on a blog:
"You really don’t believe that if the husband learns, he will have a positive affect [sic] on his family? You don’t think that he might just end up being a better husband or father?"
You know, he might, but also might not. Learning Torah on a regular basis does make one a better Jew, but it doesn't always follow that they will also then be the kind of husband one dreams about. There are some men who learn who do end up divorced or who have very little time for their children. The reason to be concerned with whether or not he is kovea ittim is not really to improve quality of life -- in this world, that is. There are, however, two very compelling reasons why women would want a husband who is careful about setting aside time to learn regularly.
The first would be concern for his afterlife:
(Shabbos 31a) Rava presents the 6 questions that a person is asked upon arriving at judgment. The first 3 are as follows:
Visit my site www.kallahmagazine.com -- not just for kallahs. You can also see posts at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner
"You really don’t believe that if the husband learns, he will have a positive affect [sic] on his family? You don’t think that he might just end up being a better husband or father?"
You know, he might, but also might not. Learning Torah on a regular basis does make one a better Jew, but it doesn't always follow that they will also then be the kind of husband one dreams about. There are some men who learn who do end up divorced or who have very little time for their children. The reason to be concerned with whether or not he is kovea ittim is not really to improve quality of life -- in this world, that is. There are, however, two very compelling reasons why women would want a husband who is careful about setting aside time to learn regularly.
The first would be concern for his afterlife:
(Shabbos 31a) Rava presents the 6 questions that a person is asked upon arriving at judgment. The first 3 are as follows:
1. Nasata v’natata be-emunah? — Did you deal honestly in business? faithfully?
2. Kavata itim la-Torah? — Did you set time for Torah learning?
3. Asakta bifria ur’viah? — Did you engage in procreation?
2. Kavata itim la-Torah? — Did you set time for Torah learning?
3. Asakta bifria ur’viah? — Did you engage in procreation?
Do note that honesty in business dealings comes first, so the assumption is clearly not the one made in so many shidduch circles today that earning a living and regular Torah learning are mutually exclusive.
The second reason why a woman would be concerned about having a husband who learns is for her own afterlife: "How do women merit a greater reward than men in the world to come? They catalyze their sons and husband to study Torah, shepherd the former to school, and patiently await the latter whom they have permitted to travel to study Torah in another city." ( Berachot 17a, Sota 21a).
The second reason why a woman would be concerned about having a husband who learns is for her own afterlife: "How do women merit a greater reward than men in the world to come? They catalyze their sons and husband to study Torah, shepherd the former to school, and patiently await the latter whom they have permitted to travel to study Torah in another city." ( Berachot 17a, Sota 21a).
Conclusion, a utilitarian explanation for asking about a man's learning does exist, but it's not what the young women seem to think it is.
Visit my site www.kallahmagazine.com -- not just for kallahs. You can also see posts at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner
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