A band aid that ignores the real problem
Anyone else get the point that the solution is far from satisfactory? If you're relying on internet barriers to police your husband, then your marriage is a rather sorry state that will not at all be improved by the wife's conditions on the computer. Furthermore, if he is, in fact, addicted to this sort of stuff, he'll find a way to get it. Internet access on his home computer is not the only source. So I find this solution to be about the equivalent of telling your local liquor store not to sell anything to your alcoholic husband without letting you know what it is. The crafty alcoholic knows far more bars and liquor stores than you do.
The following was posted on a number of Yahoo groups:
Visit my site www.kallahmagazine.com -- not just for kallahs. You can also see posts at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner
The following was posted on a number of Yahoo groups:
A friend of mine sent me this heart chilling letter that moved me to change my house and may change yours too.
"As you know, my husband is hard working and dedicated father. He is great with the teenage kids and younger ones all alike. He constantly runs to shul to learn catch a shiur, help rabbaim make new shiurim and do community chessed. It is easy to say that the community describes him as a "real nice" guy.
For years he has been doing the majority of his work on the computer. Different jobs required him to go on the internet and he would be on the computer many nights into the late hours. I felt bad that he had to struggle so much. And then last week I got the shocker.
A call from a friend Friday morning and he had to run out. While cleaning his office for shabbos I moved his keyboard and the screen popped on. I was shocked! Why was my husband looking at such pictures and videos!!! Suddenly, the multitude of warnings rabbaim have "preaching" about the internet flashed through my mind. How some poskim declare that it is "YICHUD" for a man to be alone with his computer!. How teenagers get on to the internet and find worse of the worse to frequent.
Perhaps in one sentence, I was horrified to know that for years I have been ceaseless in my efforts to assure that every mouthful of food met the highest standards of Koshrus for my family, while a machine in my house was a gizer perpetually dumping "Times Square" pics and videos into the souls of my family"
I sat down with my husband .... and excuses of being stressed, ....tired...
He is researching the different web filters such as Rimon and Jnet but has heard that they slow the computer down and may block regular sites as well- I say SO WHAT!
At least he agreed to put on WebChaver.com which only records every website you visit and sends it to a friend (in our case it is the gabbai of the shul) who gets an almost daily update of the sites with the "quesionable sites" highlighted . We have to be accountable for all of the sites and does not slow the computer.
I urge every women reading this to be less naive and take the same stand for koshrus of your family's neshamas as you do for koshrus. Don't allow any treif to come into your house even via the computer. The tools are available and being used successfully. Get them!
May Hashem Bless Every Member of His Holy Nation and we be worthy of receiving it.
Sara
"As you know, my husband is hard working and dedicated father. He is great with the teenage kids and younger ones all alike. He constantly runs to shul to learn catch a shiur, help rabbaim make new shiurim and do community chessed. It is easy to say that the community describes him as a "real nice" guy.
For years he has been doing the majority of his work on the computer. Different jobs required him to go on the internet and he would be on the computer many nights into the late hours. I felt bad that he had to struggle so much. And then last week I got the shocker.
A call from a friend Friday morning and he had to run out. While cleaning his office for shabbos I moved his keyboard and the screen popped on. I was shocked! Why was my husband looking at such pictures and videos!!! Suddenly, the multitude of warnings rabbaim have "preaching" about the internet flashed through my mind. How some poskim declare that it is "YICHUD" for a man to be alone with his computer!. How teenagers get on to the internet and find worse of the worse to frequent.
Perhaps in one sentence, I was horrified to know that for years I have been ceaseless in my efforts to assure that every mouthful of food met the highest standards of Koshrus for my family, while a machine in my house was a gizer perpetually dumping "Times Square" pics and videos into the souls of my family"
I sat down with my husband .... and excuses of being stressed, ....tired...
He is researching the different web filters such as Rimon and Jnet but has heard that they slow the computer down and may block regular sites as well- I say SO WHAT!
At least he agreed to put on WebChaver.com which only records every website you visit and sends it to a friend (in our case it is the gabbai of the shul) who gets an almost daily update of the sites with the "quesionable sites" highlighted . We have to be accountable for all of the sites and does not slow the computer.
I urge every women reading this to be less naive and take the same stand for koshrus of your family's neshamas as you do for koshrus. Don't allow any treif to come into your house even via the computer. The tools are available and being used successfully. Get them!
May Hashem Bless Every Member of His Holy Nation and we be worthy of receiving it.
Sara
Visit my site www.kallahmagazine.com -- not just for kallahs. You can also see posts at http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner
Comments
Certainly the computer makes such material more easily available. But the real issue is within the person and that is the issue that needs addressed.
As for the Yichud issue--let's not forget that the wife discovered the images while she was cleaning the office up.
I have to chuckle though at the notion of "times square pictures." I don't know what these people think goes in times square, but I've certainly never seen anything like this there. Maybe I've just been walking down the wrong street or avenue?
Not to minimize the issue, but I find it disturbing that pornography and kashrut are lumped together. Equally disturbing is the fact that it's for some reason surprising or shocking that a person keep kosher, davens, learns, goes to shiurim, and does chessed and yet also views pornography. I get that pornography can be an issue for some marriages, but so can lots of other terrible behaviors that get little mention in our communities. Everyone freaks out about the Internet and pornography, but I see little talk about alcoholism, for example. No one runs around saying "It is yichud for a man to be alone in a room with a bottle of scotch." I see many men take far more than "one too many" shots on Shabbos at a kiddush club or at a Shabbos meal, and yet no outrage, no outcry. Similarly, the wives who take their husbands home as they slur their words don't worry that their marriage is now on the rocks or wonder how such an otherwise pious man could do such a thing.
A little consistency would be nice.
Second, I don't for a moment believe anyone with a strong marriage has it ruined by exposure to internet images. In the first place, accidental exposure to pornographic images is much less frequent than it used to be. It has been many years since I have seen such an image as a result of mistyping a URL, for example. Second, people with strong marriages don't suddenly become addicted to looking at such pictures; they just turn away. Both spouses often find it easier to blame the outside factor than to seriously examine how they have weakened (or perhaps failed to strengthen in the first place) their marriage.
Mike S, I agree with you completely.
And one can argue that while indeed, an addict will do almost anything to find a "fix," there's no reason not to do everything possible to make it harder for him.
The fact that the husband agreed to WebChaver **is** an indication that the husband is acknowledging he has a problem. Will he pursue his "addiction" in other venues? Time will tell, but there's no reason to presume this step won't help until we hear otherwise.
I mentioned alcoholism/drinking because it's something that happens in broad daylight in front of the entire community and no one really blinks an eye. Sure, you get some articles around purim time, for example, but the weekly Shabbos drinking that goes on isn't the subject of such communal ire. In fact, the few times I've seen rabbis speak out against kiddush clubs it was because they didn't like the fact that people left during the haftorah or his speech. When kiddush clubs are stopped or alcohol is no longer available at kiddush, it is because of the "children" not because people are getting wasted.
A local shul used to have a practice of a guy imbibing a huge glass of liquor for every hakafah on simchat torah. Every hakafah he would call for his "Sar Hamashkim" - a young boy to bring him his glass of shnaps. Everyone thought it was great fun even though by the end, the call was for a "sharrrr hasshkim." No one had an issue with the alcoholism or public drunkenness. Why was the practice stopped? Cause the young boy who did it every year eventually wasn't so young and someone caught him taking a sip from the cup.
As for the second part, yes, you can try to make it harder for the addict to get his fix, but without proper therapy first this can be really dangerous. Instead of viewing pornography in the safe confines of his house, the guy may start to view it at work and perhaps get fired. Making it harder can translate into more desperate and riskier behaviors.
Also, let's not toss around the word "addiction." Just because someone takes a drink doesn't mean he's an alcoholic and just because someone views pornography doesn't mean he's a porn addict or what have you. The guy may have an issue, but not every bad behavior is indicative of an addiction.
>"As you know, my husband is hard working and dedicated father
I can just see the original alleged email now: "Hey Leah, let me tell you about my husband Pinchas's pornography problem."
It's nice that someone cared to dramatize the issue, but why is anyone expected to believe this is authentic? No one would send this to her friend, to expose her husband to make a didactic point? Puhleez.