Shadchanus and family
I know someone who was upset by the notification from a relative that she would consider setting up this person's daughter with someone so long as her terms were clear. They were as follows:
I charge $2000/side for people in chutz la'aretz (first-time marriages, 29 years or under, no special needs or conditions)In other words, she would expect $2000 (from each side) if the shidduch came off even though this seems to be about a re-introduction, not someone they had not known of before.
I told the person that it is sad that she makes it clear she would not pick up the phone if she is not assured she would be paid for the shidduch. But from her perspective, she is charging for her service. The fact that the service is for a relative -- as far as she sees it-- is no reason to give up her fee. I'm not saying I agree with her point of view, but I believe that she thinks she is entitled to make money on this deal as she would on any other.
From my perspective, it is cold and calculating, to not lift a finger to promote a shidduch without assurance of renumeration. There is a notion of chessed and altruism. If we only did things for money, there would be no volunteering -- no one packing the boxes for Tomchei Shabbos or delivering them. There would be no kallah teachers who forego the fee leshem mitzvah. I try to instill such values in my own children who get dragged over to pack the boxes and are told not to demand money when babysitting for cousins. They also see that I have committed to cover dispatch for Chaverim every week. So I do understand the business perspective, but one's view should not be that limited -- particularly when dealing with family that may have done and in future do favors for you.
I charge $2000/side for people in chutz la'aretz (first-time marriages, 29 years or under, no special needs or conditions)In other words, she would expect $2000 (from each side) if the shidduch came off even though this seems to be about a re-introduction, not someone they had not known of before.
I told the person that it is sad that she makes it clear she would not pick up the phone if she is not assured she would be paid for the shidduch. But from her perspective, she is charging for her service. The fact that the service is for a relative -- as far as she sees it-- is no reason to give up her fee. I'm not saying I agree with her point of view, but I believe that she thinks she is entitled to make money on this deal as she would on any other.
From my perspective, it is cold and calculating, to not lift a finger to promote a shidduch without assurance of renumeration. There is a notion of chessed and altruism. If we only did things for money, there would be no volunteering -- no one packing the boxes for Tomchei Shabbos or delivering them. There would be no kallah teachers who forego the fee leshem mitzvah. I try to instill such values in my own children who get dragged over to pack the boxes and are told not to demand money when babysitting for cousins. They also see that I have committed to cover dispatch for Chaverim every week. So I do understand the business perspective, but one's view should not be that limited -- particularly when dealing with family that may have done and in future do favors for you.
Comments
Yes, if you relative was a lawyer or accountant you might pay them something for their services if only to cover their time, expenses, and opportunity cost. But most lawyers, accountants, etc. will deliver an itemized bill of what they did for you (lawyers will account for every 1/4 hour on the clock) and often at least an initial consultation is free. Do shadchanim render a bill that itemizes how much time they spend on the phone, doing research, etc. that would warrant their charging what sounds like an absurdly high fee?
It's the not picking up the phone which is drastic. If it's a few minutes time or a few phone calls, then why charge? If it's hours of work, then the shadchan should be able to explain that they need to put in X number of hours and need to be compensated on that basis.
in addition to time expended, bills for service take into account experience/expertise, contacts, inate talent and other non-quantifiable qualities.
i don't know anything about shadchanim, but i assume the same applies to that field? if she's good, then she deserves whatever osentibsly outragious fee she charges. if she's not good, then presumably she will have to lower her fee in order to attract customers.
I do take all that into account. Superior service commands a superior price. If your relative who graduated Harvard law spends hours representing your interests, you can expect to win the case or arrive at a better settlement, but also pay a steeper price. But, if you just want to discuss things with your relative and get a few pointers, even if he/she went to Harvard law it would be absurd to put you on the clock and and send you a bill. If my employer paged me to deal with a work issue right now, you can bet I would bill for my time. If a relative or friend called me with a PC problem that I could talk them through over the phone, no charge. Same work, different attitude. It's not the fee which is the issue -- its the avaricious attitude.
Perhaps in the next 10 years we will see itemized bills from community Rabbis and teachers for each eitza or shayla asked.
I don't put my clients on the clock everytime they call me. I can't imagine a quicker why to drive away current clientele or destroy a small business.
As far as the L'Shem Shomyim aspect.Yes it would be wonderful if they were motivated by such concerns, but I don't see why they are worse then anyone else doing a vital service for money only.I do have issue with those Shadconim (and doctors,and..)who demand good payment but then talk and think about themselves as if they devoted their lives to chesed and helping people but that is not the issue here.