Milestones and expectations
The post on Jew, Jobs, and Employment on Orthonomics
drew a lot of comments, including one I thought worth sharing below:
Miami Al said...
drew a lot of comments, including one I thought worth sharing below:
Miami Al said...
The thing that makes this all so frustratingly insane is that Judaism inherently recognizes life cycle events and growing maturation, both with celebrations and responsibilities. In the Yeshiva culture that's been created, those remain for ritualistic purposes but not in reality. The divorce between ritual and reality is at the core of this problem.
A child turns 3 and is now presumed to be somewhat aware of their surroundings. At this age, we expect Kashrut, Shabbat, Tzitzit, and Kippot to be worn, symbolizing that they are now young Jews, which corresponds to ritual responsibility. This is also the age that children are no doubt capable of basic chores like helping set the table, etc., and becoming little people and not infants.
At age 9/10, three years before Bat/Bar Mitzvah, we expect them to start approaching their coming ritual adulthood with partial fasting, Tzniut, etc., which should also correspond to children having more responsibility in "reality" and not just ritual, more serious chores, responsibility, etc.
At 12/13, obtaining one's ritual maturity shouldn't just correspond to ritual maturity, but real maturity. It is at this age that children should be expected to help take care of younger siblings, but also be more responsible for their future scholastic success. This pre-high school age would be a perfect time for parents to talk about high school and college, because they are preparing to enter the years that will help define their adulthood, yet in the Yeshiva culture, we are treating them as children despite treating them as adults under Halacha.
At age 20, a child is responsible, as an adult, before a Beit Din as an adult for their sins. In preparation for this, shouldn't our children be becoming responsible for their adulthood. Part-time jobs, charity involvement, etc., should be part of a 4 year transition into this adulthood. We ritually recognize this age, but for some reason, we aren't considering "boys" at 20 as responsible for any of their living expenses or to be moving in a direction of supporting their family.
Marriage, ritually, creates a new family unit. But as we pushed marriage to an age before the child is ready to run a new family unit, our new "married family" is still financially dependent on parents, and expected to still be cocooned away.
If after 13 years of Jewish education, the child isn't ready to be thrust into the world for either education or livelihood without fear of temptation, then we've failed as parents.
If we looked at these events not as ritualistic, but the reality based Judaism that the Yeshiva world broke off from, we'd be raising young Jewish adults ready to start lives and families.
I think that it behooves parents to take more responsibility for the character of their children and their growing maturity. When I was a kid, with each birthday, I got a party, but also more autonomy (able to go further on my bike, make more decisions) and more responsibilities around that house. That made my childhood an evolution toward adulthood with lots of transitions. In the Orthodox culture, I see no transitions, parents making all the decisions, then wondering why, at 20, 25, 30, whatever, their adult child isn't ready to be an adult and support their family. Exasperated parents are advised to take strong actions like cutting them off, etc., instead of helping transition.
It would be nice to see our world not just pushing people toward ritual adulthood (Kashrut, Shabbat, Talmud Torah) but also toward the realities of growing up.
Summer camp and trips to Israel are a wonderful childhood experience for children, but each year it should be less childhood and more adulthood, instead of childhood until finally your father-in-law stops picking up the tab and you are left to sink or swim.
