A guest post - question on what was "meant to be"
Someone who wishes to remain anonymous emailed me requesting this be posted. Feel free to comment, though all comments will be moderated before posting for the near future:
Here is my question, as well as food-for-thought: Many people date for ages, and nothing happens; all of a sudden they are engaged - how do they "decide" that this boy/girl is "the one"? I have noticed in personal experiences as well as with friends; sometimes things "click" and sometimes they dont; sometimes engagements are, chalilah broken, sometimes divorces occur (unfortunately the number of frun divorces has been rising the last decade or so) within months of marriage. How does one go from deciding that their dating partner is their destined spouse to breaking an engagement or getting divorced? And here is a concept that someone told me: Oftentimes, when a couple is on the verge of engagement, and one of them decides he/she is "not ready" and wants to just continue dating, the "ready" partner is suggested to keep some distance, in order to show the other that they cannot continue "just dating"; either move on and get engaged, or call the whole thing off and go their separate ways. Oftentimes this results in a renewed understanding of just how delicate the relationship is, and usually (B"H) proceeds with an engagement shortly afterward. Is this tactic recommended, as I can see numerous ways it can backfire. On the other hand, if it does end up being called off, does that not indicate that it was "not meant to be"?I would appreciate any feedback from your blog readers. Thanks!
Here is my question, as well as food-for-thought: Many people date for ages, and nothing happens; all of a sudden they are engaged - how do they "decide" that this boy/girl is "the one"? I have noticed in personal experiences as well as with friends; sometimes things "click" and sometimes they dont; sometimes engagements are, chalilah broken, sometimes divorces occur (unfortunately the number of frun divorces has been rising the last decade or so) within months of marriage. How does one go from deciding that their dating partner is their destined spouse to breaking an engagement or getting divorced? And here is a concept that someone told me: Oftentimes, when a couple is on the verge of engagement, and one of them decides he/she is "not ready" and wants to just continue dating, the "ready" partner is suggested to keep some distance, in order to show the other that they cannot continue "just dating"; either move on and get engaged, or call the whole thing off and go their separate ways. Oftentimes this results in a renewed understanding of just how delicate the relationship is, and usually (B"H) proceeds with an engagement shortly afterward. Is this tactic recommended, as I can see numerous ways it can backfire. On the other hand, if it does end up being called off, does that not indicate that it was "not meant to be"?I would appreciate any feedback from your blog readers. Thanks!
Comments
One: "'m a big believer (as are my rabbanim) that if you don't end up under the chuppa together it wasn't meant to be/bashert/mazal/how it's called in your circles."
Two: "How does one know if a Shidduch is meant to be?
a: usually it just feels right. no sparks are needed.
Why do some unions end in broken engagements or divorce?
a: either circumstances have changed, or else issues that were always there are brought up again and again without resolve.
Is the suggestion for the committment phobic a good one?
a: yes. space is needed. if the committment phobic partner is the Bashert, he/she will come around this way. if not, then the union is not Bashert, and no other methods will work either."
"'Why do some unions end in broken engagements or divorce?
a: either circumstances have changed, or else issues that were always there are brought up again and again without resolve.'
"or issues come up during the engagement or early marriage that were hidden, purposely or by circumstance, during the dating phase (in case of broken engagement) or during dating and engagement (in case of divorce). It's not that hard for a person to be temporarily on his/her best behavior before marriage.
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"that's what I meant by change in circumstances Smile thanks for explaining some of the specifics."
es, I would say that if a couple has been dating for a while and had an understanding, and then one party says "fish or cut bait" and the other balks, then it was not meant to be at that time. Sometimes they get back together at a future point, in which case it was meant to be, but at a later date; sometimes they don't get back together, in which case the logical conclusion is it was not bashert. Whichever party said "fish or cut bait" should not mourn the loss of the other party, but should congratulate him/herself for having had the courage to take a stand and get a definitive answer rather than allow him/herself to be strung further and further along.
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Re: breaks- we took a break while we were dating. It was after date #6 of ten dates. I think it was supposed to be for a week and we ended up cutting it short after like 3 days Smile
It's also a good idea is it gives you a chance to think about things without the pressure of deciding on another date or not within the next day or two. It also gives you a chance to see if you 'miss' or want to at least see that person again. So in our case, three days was enough- because there was no pressure, I realized that yes, I do like this person and I want to see him again and yes, I probably do want to marry him
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