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Shidduch qualities list

I recall my grandmother (considered a beautiful woman BTW) A"H telling me that she wanted to marry an ugly man. I said, "But you didn't!" She admitted that her husband had been a handsome man, but he, nevertheless, had the qualities she wanted (which, I am certain, included intelligence) without the negatives sometimes to be found in people conscious of good looks.

I brought this up in my comment to Mother in Israel's post with regard to Bad4Shidduchim, which you can see here.
She shidduch requirements read as follows:
  • Facial Structure
  • Body Build
  • Politeness
  • Social Grace
  • Cleanliness
  • Kindness
  • Attitude
  • Intelligence
  • Affluence
  • Worldliness
  • Bravado
  • Height

If you pay attention to that list, you would notice that no less than 3 are devoted to superficial physical characteristics. 2 are highly questionable: Is it really good for a Ben Torah to consider himself worldly or to carry himself with bravado? I don’t know what is meant by attitude in this context. Politeness, I would consider a subcategory of social graces. Cleanliness, I take as a given and wouldn’t deign to mention it.
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Eliezer Eisenberg said…
I'm sorry, but it's natural for a woman to be attracted to a manly man, and for a man to be attracted to a womanly woman. To say that the spiritual connection and respect and so forth is all that matters, and physical attributes shouldn't matter, is, I think, logically indistinguishable from saying that gender doesn't matter either.
September 17, 2009 at 9:54:00 PM EDT
Ariella's blog said…
Barzilai, while gender is an objective qualitative difference (except perhaps for the timtum and androginus), beauty, femininity, and manliness are all somewhat subjective and quantitative. As for the women who insist on a good-looking man, there is a story of deformed talmid chacham who showed his dismayed betrothed that he took the deformity upon himself to spare his bas zug from having to her own looks marred in that way. It's a famous story, though I can't recall the name now. That is not to say that people need to marry someone they find hideous, but I do find getting hung up on someone impressively (with the stress on impressive) tall or good-looking shallow. As I said, my beautiful grandmother ended up marrying a handsome man, but she married him in spite of his looks, and I'm sure he also appreciated her intelligence and other qualities.

For many good looks are just another attribute of a trophy spouse -- they are thinking more of the impression made by showing up with arm candy than how will this person fit with me in building a bayis ne'eman.
September 18, 2009 at 11:58:00 AM EDT
Lion of Zion said…
as far as ignoring the physical, we all get ugly and smelly as we age.

"Cleanliness, I take as a given and wouldn’t deign to mention it."

don't some girls like the rugged look?
September 20, 2009 at 11:34:00 PM EDT
Ariella's blog said…
LOZ, That's a valid point for the long-term view. And for all those hung up on dress size or what they may call "build," few people in middle age are the same weight they were in their twenties.

As for "the rugged look," some women find stubble, rumpled hair, and a casual look attractive, but , generally, I don't think they want to see actual dirt on the hands. And while they may like someone who works out, they wouldn't want to smell it on them. Of course, though, there are exceptions.
September 21, 2009 at 10:05:00 AM EDT
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