Views on the Shidduch Crisis
Last night I ventured out to the Agudah of W. Lawrence (aka Far Rockaway, but another Agudah already has that name) to hear Hanoch Teller speak on the topic: "Shidduchim : Reflections and Recriminations." I actually took notes but may have difficulty deciphering them, so I will write on some of the points mentioned while it is still fresh in my mind.
General suggestions to alleviate the shidduch crisis, which he evidenced by citing that there over 6000 singles in Brooklyn and over 6000 single females in Manhattan, implying that these were not in the first blush of youth. I don't know where the numbers come from. Anyway, solutions from the community were to have people get more actively involved. He said if there are chevra kaddishas and the like to serve the no longer living, there should also be groups to meet the needs of the living future. He briefly said that putting money toward the cause should work, though he didn't explain exactly how beyond paying shadchanim for their services. People have to do more than invite a single over for a meal and then send them home having just thrown a name at them. Throwing names is not at all helpful, he said. He also said that singles need guidance along dating, usually to encourage them to stick through and pursue the relationship. He declared that for anyone who has gone out with, say 50, and can't make it work, the solution is not #51 but an "education and overhaul." As for the educators along the way, they should not force a mold upon the people that doesn't fit them because they then look for people who don't match who they are but who they think they should be based on what they've been told.
Following from that point he said that it is better for a girl to say she wants to live in a big house than to pretend otherwise in the pursuit of shidduchim. Granted, she may have material issues to work on, he said, but at least she is honest. As for the singles themselves, they have to get beyond the "trophyism" which dictates their must-have attributes list for prospective mates. The key quality that the boys are after is nearly alway what the girl is lacking. He admitted that boys are very hung up on looks, but said that girls demand what amounts to "the best bochur in Lakewood who doesn't learn." As singles get older, he said, they actually get even more exacting and more reluctant to meet people, in part because they've already suffered through so much rejection.
He included the usual diatribe against Hollywood scenarios that make people look to "fall in love" as you "fall in a pit." But "what you fall into, you can fall out of." One's attitude has to not be "When I meet the right one, I'll get married," but rather, "I have to get married, so I will meet the right one." And, of course, if you are not ready to get married or lack an understanding that the true purpose of getting married is to build a mishkan for the Shcina to dwell in (as Chazal say about Ish v'isha) then you should not be dating.
There are other points and some critiques I would like to go over in more detail in a follow up post. In the meantime, feel free to comment.
General suggestions to alleviate the shidduch crisis, which he evidenced by citing that there over 6000 singles in Brooklyn and over 6000 single females in Manhattan, implying that these were not in the first blush of youth. I don't know where the numbers come from. Anyway, solutions from the community were to have people get more actively involved. He said if there are chevra kaddishas and the like to serve the no longer living, there should also be groups to meet the needs of the living future. He briefly said that putting money toward the cause should work, though he didn't explain exactly how beyond paying shadchanim for their services. People have to do more than invite a single over for a meal and then send them home having just thrown a name at them. Throwing names is not at all helpful, he said. He also said that singles need guidance along dating, usually to encourage them to stick through and pursue the relationship. He declared that for anyone who has gone out with, say 50, and can't make it work, the solution is not #51 but an "education and overhaul." As for the educators along the way, they should not force a mold upon the people that doesn't fit them because they then look for people who don't match who they are but who they think they should be based on what they've been told.
Following from that point he said that it is better for a girl to say she wants to live in a big house than to pretend otherwise in the pursuit of shidduchim. Granted, she may have material issues to work on, he said, but at least she is honest. As for the singles themselves, they have to get beyond the "trophyism" which dictates their must-have attributes list for prospective mates. The key quality that the boys are after is nearly alway what the girl is lacking. He admitted that boys are very hung up on looks, but said that girls demand what amounts to "the best bochur in Lakewood who doesn't learn." As singles get older, he said, they actually get even more exacting and more reluctant to meet people, in part because they've already suffered through so much rejection.
He included the usual diatribe against Hollywood scenarios that make people look to "fall in love" as you "fall in a pit." But "what you fall into, you can fall out of." One's attitude has to not be "When I meet the right one, I'll get married," but rather, "I have to get married, so I will meet the right one." And, of course, if you are not ready to get married or lack an understanding that the true purpose of getting married is to build a mishkan for the Shcina to dwell in (as Chazal say about Ish v'isha) then you should not be dating.
There are other points and some critiques I would like to go over in more detail in a follow up post. In the meantime, feel free to comment.
Comments
I continue to see a move for younger dating in the Yeshivish world. Right now it seems to me that the boys are starting to date fairly young as it is (never mind the maturity gap between boys and girls). How much lower in age is being suggested for dating?
On another note, perhaps you will be able to locate a study on marriage that showed 25 to be the "ideal" age for *successful* marriage. I can only wonder what a similiar study would show if only Orthodox Jewish couples were studied. I don't imagine it would show marriages being stronger for those who married at 17, 18, and 19 over those who were 22, 23, and 24. But that is only my guess.
One part I found kind of cryptic was his point that it is too late to get out once there are children. So does that mean that an incompatible couple really should stay together because there is a child involved? There are those who would spin in it to allow delaying children to first see that the marriage is solid. I know a number of couples who divorced soon after marriage but already had a child. As I have limited info on the sides, I can say that at least one of the partners then remarried and proceeded to build a family with the next spouse. As far as I know, they were happy in their second choices. So why should they be denied their chance of marital happiness? And how good is it for a child to grow up with a mother and father who are staying together just for his/her sake?
Perhaps there was also a culture gap that is much larger than Rabbi Teller realizes because at least here in America many young shidduch daters do seem quite romantic, although amongst the more right ring that is probably less so. Nonetheless, I've seen plenty of "romantic" couples.
Also, it seems we have a growing rate of divorces. I have a notebook full of young divorcees, some with children. I can't say I am in love with the idea of pushing engagement and marriage given this sad reality.