The character of one's spouse should come upon one as a surprise -- pleasant or unpleasant as the case may be
I am paraphrasing Lady Bracknell's declaration, "An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself" in The Importance of Being Earnest. Though it was written in the 19th Century, that notion was already understood to be patently absurd, as is her other quote on the subject of engagemetns:"Long engagements give people the opprtunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable." But lo and behold, people living in the 21st century actually promote Lady Bracknell's position.
I had meant to bring up this issue when revisiting the points made by Hanoch Teller in the talk I posted about several posts prior to this one. He declared that the Chassidic couples who meet only once or maybe twice before marrying have very successful marriages. He says that success stems from the fact that they don't know each other before and so realize that they will have to work on their marriage. If that was too subtle for some, he actually came out and said that their marriages are stronger than those of couples from Teaneck [his choice of place] who have gone out together for years before marrying.
There are several problems with drawing the conclusion that he does from the lower divorce rate found among Chassidic couples than MO ones. One is that there is still a far greater stigma to divorce in that community than there is in the MO one. I would think that a resident in Meah Shearim would put up with a lot more unhappiness in her marriage than a woman in Teaneck because the former has fewer options (both social and economic) open to her post-divorce than the latter. Two is the fact that the men and women brought up in such provincial communities like Meah Shearim would be far more conforming to the mold set there and so likely would share the same values and perspectives on life values and directions. Consequently, there would be fewer issues for them to clash about. Three is the different expectations that MO people have for the marriage relationship than the Chassidic couples would have. While Chassidic types would accept that men and women occupy completely different spheres in life that would effectively limit their interaction, modern couples expect a type of companionship that is only possible with two people who share more in terms of their activities and conversation. As this raises the expectation for the marriage relationship, the odds for disappointment are greater than in a marriage where it is not expected for the husband and wife to share much more than the children and household.
In a post I hope to get to in the near future, I would like to look at some couples in TaNaCh to prove that is more than one possible order for couples to meet, get to know each other, love, and marry.
I had meant to bring up this issue when revisiting the points made by Hanoch Teller in the talk I posted about several posts prior to this one. He declared that the Chassidic couples who meet only once or maybe twice before marrying have very successful marriages. He says that success stems from the fact that they don't know each other before and so realize that they will have to work on their marriage. If that was too subtle for some, he actually came out and said that their marriages are stronger than those of couples from Teaneck [his choice of place] who have gone out together for years before marrying.
There are several problems with drawing the conclusion that he does from the lower divorce rate found among Chassidic couples than MO ones. One is that there is still a far greater stigma to divorce in that community than there is in the MO one. I would think that a resident in Meah Shearim would put up with a lot more unhappiness in her marriage than a woman in Teaneck because the former has fewer options (both social and economic) open to her post-divorce than the latter. Two is the fact that the men and women brought up in such provincial communities like Meah Shearim would be far more conforming to the mold set there and so likely would share the same values and perspectives on life values and directions. Consequently, there would be fewer issues for them to clash about. Three is the different expectations that MO people have for the marriage relationship than the Chassidic couples would have. While Chassidic types would accept that men and women occupy completely different spheres in life that would effectively limit their interaction, modern couples expect a type of companionship that is only possible with two people who share more in terms of their activities and conversation. As this raises the expectation for the marriage relationship, the odds for disappointment are greater than in a marriage where it is not expected for the husband and wife to share much more than the children and household.
In a post I hope to get to in the near future, I would like to look at some couples in TaNaCh to prove that is more than one possible order for couples to meet, get to know each other, love, and marry.
Comments
kol tuv,
josh