This year's thoughts on Tu B'Av

This year's thoughts on Tu B'Av. In the space of a less than a week -- 6 days to be exact  -- we go from the day of deepest mourning to one of the most joyous days of the year.  It's a complete 180 degree shift. What's interesting is also the emotions that underlie the polar opposites of the 9 of Av and the 15th of the same month. 

On the 9th we mourn the continued state of destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, which reflects the state of a loss that we feel in our relationship with G-d. While the first Beis Hamikdash was destroyed for cardinal sins, the second was destroyed and remains so because of sinas chinam, baseless hatred (see http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2010/07/why-blame-kamtza.html).Many suggest that the remedy for that is   ahavas chinam, baseless love.  The more precise term for love that demands nothing in return was already set by Chazal in Pirkei Avoth as ahava she'eyna tluya badavar love that does not depend on anything. 

With that in mind, it's possible to take a new perspective on what the young women say to the men in the vineyards. 

The daughter of Israel go out and dance in the vineyards. Anyone who lacked a wife went there. . . . Our rabbis learned: The beautiful ones among them would say: "Raise your eyes to beauty, for a wife is only for beauty." The girls who had yichus[well established, reputable families] would say, "Raise your eyes to family, for a wife is only for children." The ugly ones among them would say, "Take what you take for the sake of Heaven, and adorn us in gold jewelry."

The first two groups appeal to love on the basis of beauty or family connections. But the last group ask for love without an appeal to anything external at all. That is true love for the essence of the person and not the individual's physical, material, or social assets.  To see the citations and other interpretations I've written, see the links here.

 I've written a number of posts on the accounts of Tu B'Av: The first one which gives the origins of the day with the 6 positive historical events is  http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/08/15th-of-av.html

Then I quote some variants on what the nubile women would say in the vineyards at
http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/08/there-are-more-lines-ascribed-to-girls.html
http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/08/15th-of-av-take-3-allegory-significance.html
and http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/08/15th-of-ave-take-4-differing-accounts.html
So there's the textual analysis.

I wrote another one the next year, http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2009/08/thoughts-on-tu-bav.html in which I wrote:

This year I've been thinking about further ramification for the Talmud's account in Taanis 31a

The most amazing is that the girls who have the least to offer -- the ones termed outright ugly in the description -- declare that they too have a right to marry. Furthermore, they place the onus of attractions on their husbands-to-be with the assurance that the right jewelry and clothes (as Rashi, I believe, says) would work wonders on their looks.
After seeing some discussions by singles, I have a new angle on what this means. So many people are quick to dump someone after a first date because they were less than impressed by the first impression.

What the ugly girls' s argument really consists of is something like this: "We know we are not striking beauties. But we can grow attractive to you if you invest in the relationship."

 

This truth can apply to traits beyond looks; just substitute whatever striking trait you identify as attractive, ie. sparkling wit, charm, etc. Some people grow on you, but they have to be given the chance, and that takes a willingness to invest the time to allow their positive traits to shine through. And they would prove worthy of the adornments given them.