Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Zos Chanukah

This year I observed that the 3 letters that make up the word for oil shemen also correspond to the root of the word shmone, the number 8. My husband then added that oil floats on top of water, just as the eighth level is lema'ala min hateva [transcends the natural order]. That's what Chanukah is all about, which is why we call tonight and the last day, Zos Chanukah -- this is Chanukah.

  This is the only single holiday that is celebrated for eight days.  While both Pesach and Sukkoth are celebrated for 8 days outside of Israel, they are, in essence, 7 day holidays with one day added on for those in exile.  Chanukah is eight days all over the world with no additional day added. Eight is a highly significant number in Jewish thought.  It represents a level of spirituality that rises above nature.  That is why a brith [circumcision] is performed on the eight day.  

The small jug of pure oil that should have sufficed only for one day burned for eight days to allow enought time for more pure oil to be made.  That always leads to the question of why we celebrate the miracle for eight days, when the miracle was really only for seven.  There are various answers for that.  The most common are that finding the oil at all was a miracle or that the additional day is for the miracle of our victory in battle when our forces were so outnumbered.  But the number eight is also what this holiday is all about -- reaching beyond the natural order in our spiritual aspirations.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Chanukah and Rosh Chodesh

Today is both the sixth day of Chanukah and the last day of the month of  Kislev.   Tomorrow, the seventh day of Chanukah will also be the first day of the month of Teves. Both today and tomorrow are designated as Rosh Chodesh the celebration of the new month. Rosh Chodesh is always a semi-holiday.  The morning prayers include a recitation of "half" Hallel and the additional prayer called Musaf that recalls the additional offerings designated for that day at the time of the Temple.  On these days of Rosh Chodesh, we say full Hallel, for we do so all eight days of Chanukah in recognition of the miracle that lasted for eight days.

Chanukah is the only Jewish holiday that extend through two months and encompassing the days of Rosh Chodesh, so it extends from the moon's waning phase to its waxing phase, as each Jewish month begins with the "rebirth" of the moon.  The Jewish people are compared to the moon, which is always renewed and comes back into full glory even when it appears to have virtually vanished.  In the same way, the Jewish people have endured for thousands of years and have never been destroyed despite their enemies' attempts at  decimation.
Women are associated with the moon, as well.  And Rosh Chodesh is particularly significant for women.  The day was given to women in recognition of their having withstood the temptation to contribute to the golden calf when the men did not.  Thus women, traditionally, refrain from chores such as laundry, ironing, and sewing on Rosh Chodesh.  Likewise, women refrain from work during the time the Chanukah lights burn.  This is in recognition of  their key role in the victory of the Maccabees.  Yehudith [Judith] plied the general. Holefernes,  with dairy foods and wine to make him sleepy.  Then she decapitated him with his own sword.  She brought the head out to the men, and, subsequently, the Jews vanquished their enemies in battle.  You can scroll down onhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanukkah for some of the details of the story.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Latke ditty

A few years ago,  I posted some snatches of latke ditties on my blog and asked if someone had the full text.  I got a response from the grandson of the songwriter:
BloggerThe Bicycling Barrister said...
Ben Aronin (my grandfather) wrote these and other wonderful latke ditties many decades ago (and the pesach "classic" ballad of the four sons / clementine)...
Mrs. Maccabeus
(by Ben Aronin, z"l, of Congregation Anshe Emet in Chicago)
(to the tune of "O Chanukah")
Each Chanukah we glorify brave Judah Maccabeus
Who had the courage to defy Antiochus, and free us,
Yet it is not fair that we should forget
Mrs. Maccabeus, whom we owe a debt.
She mixed it, and fixed it
She poured it into a bowl
You may not guess, but it was the latkes
That gave brave Judah a soul.
You may not guess but it was the latkes
That gave brave Judah a soul.
The Syrians said: "It cannot be that old Mattathias
Whose years are more than 83 will dare to defy us!"
But they didn't know his secret, you see
Mattathias dined on latkes and teac.
One latke, two latkes
And so on into the night
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that gave him the courage to fight.
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that gave him the courage to fight.
Now this is how it came about this gastonomic wonder
That broke the ranks of Syria like flaming bolts of thunder
Mrs. Maccabeus wrote in the dough
Portions of the Torah then fried them so.
They shimmered, they simmered,
Absorbing the olive oil
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that made the Syrians recoil.
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that made the Syrians recoil.
Now these little latkes brown and delicious
must have hit the spot 'cause with appetites vicious
All the heroes downed them after their toil
Causing in our Temple a shortage of oil
One latke, two latkes,
And so on into the night.
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that gave us the Chanukah light.
You may not guess but it was the latkes
that gave us the Chanukah light.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Marriage models: one type does not fit all

Is there a single ideal model for marriage? 
Consider that the Torah presents us with a variety of models in the interactions we see between the avos [patriarchs] and the immahos [matriarchs]. Rivka [Rebecca] does not relate to Yitzchak [Issac] in the same way as Sarah relates to Avraham, and the conversations between Rachel and Yaakov [Jacob] follow a third, distinctive relationship pattern. While you may prefer the model of, say, Avraham and Sarah for your own marriage, that does not mean that the other models would not work for couples with different character traits.

Dr. Gottman is well-known for his ability to predict with 95% accuracy whether the couple is fated to divorce or remain married to each other after observing them for as little as 5 minutes. This feat is not a parlor trick but a combination of accurate readings of facial expressions and body language combined with years of research into what triggers the failure or success of a marriage. What we feel about another person is actually clearly conveyed in our interaction with that person, particularly in an emotional discussion. 

He identifies "three different styles of problem solving into which healthy marriages tend to settle." At first blush, we would think that the "validating marriage" in which "couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise" is the ideal paradigm. One can recall Avraham asking Sarah to say she is her sister, and Sarah telling Avraham to marry Hagar and later to send her and her son away. They speak to each other directly and agree on what to do. But there are other approaches that can work for the couples involved, too. "In a conflict-avoiding marriage couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on." Think of how Rivka never confronts Yitzchak about their divergent views on their sons. The third model is evocative of the eruption Rachel and Yaakov when she complains to him of her childlessness: "in avolatile marriage conflicts erupt often, resulting in passionate disputes" (28).

Does compatibility assure a good marriage? While having compatible views – shared interests, values, life goals, etc. – can limit the number of conflicts the couple may run into, Dr. Gottman asserts that compatibility is not the key to success:

"My research shows the much more important than having compatible views is how couples work out their differences. In fact, occasional" clashes, particularly during the couple’s initial phase appears to improve the wellbeing of "the union in the long run" (24-25). He realizes that his view runs counter to many people’s assumption. "Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim ‘we never fight’ is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences." Anyone who dreams of a conflict free marriage is bound to be disappointed, for differences are bound to crop up "in any relationship." (28).

The magic formula: a ratio of positivity
The absence of negativity alone is not sufficient to keep up the marriage. There must be a positive presence. In fact, Dr. Gottman has come up with what he calls the "magic ratio" of 5 to 1 in enduring marriages. "In other words, as long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as there is negative, we found the marriage was likely to be stable"(57). So if you have set up a "low-key avoidant" type of relationship, your "positivity" requirements are not very high with less negativity to counterbalance On the other hand, couples "in the passionate, high volatility matches" need to express far more positivity in order to counteract "all the negativity in the air" (58). 

Does anger have any place in the relationship of a couple who aspire to shalom bayis? 
Dr. Gottman explains what he discovered through his research, "When I started the research I assumed, like most researchers and clinician, that anger was destructive if there was ‘too much’ of it. But when I looked at what predicted divorce or separation, I found that anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive" (58). In fact, verbalizing "anger and disagreement" can prove more beneficial than stifling it, for it allows for the opportunity to work through the problem, which can actually reinforce the relationship (73).

So what does Dr. Gottman look for when gauging the durability of a marriage? A solid marriage is based on "two basic ingredients: love and respect." The greatest danger sign is the antithesis of those qualities -- contempt (61-62). While contempt is the ultimate evil in a marriage, there are three other forces that contribute to the deterioration of a relatioship: criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. While men and women are equally prone to defensiveness – both in thought and conversation – there is a gendered tendency for the other two forces. Women tend to be more critical than men, and men tend to respond to emotional confrontations by stonewalling. It is important to recognize which particular trait you have to work on.

Why does criticism almost always prove counterproductive? 
"One of the great paradoxes in therapy is that people don’t change unless they feel accepted as they are." So you cannot effect change in your spouse unless s/he is secure in your acceptance. To that end, you must communicate that you "value and respect" your spouse." But it only works if it is genuine. It has to be real – and it can’t just be empty words that are said to get an effect" (184). Criticism is more often directed by women at their husbands than the other way around, hence the stereotype of the demanding wife and the withdrawing husband. What happens is that as they find their husbands to still not live up to their demands, wives intensity their criticism. Their husbands respond, not by changing their behavior for the better, but by further withdrawal.

What's wrong with gong on the defensive?
The defensive reaction is focused on freeing oneself of the blame and so neglects to attend to the feelings the other is attempting to express.  "By mentally freeing yourself of any responsibility for the conflict, you don’t have to do any work to save your marriage. But that’s exactly the problem with this way of thinking. . .. . as long as you excuse yourself from repairing the relationship, your marital problems are unlikely to improve" (106-107). You have to get beyond that impasse of thinking yourself in the right if you are to work on being happy together. "The first step toward breaking out of defensiveness is to no longer see your partner’s words as an attack but as information that is being strongly expressed” (92). The goal is not to show the partner to be in the wrong but to appreciate his/her point of view and offer empathy. Understanding and empathizing with your spouse can bring you closer together, while defensiveness maintains your differences.

Would it be better to just remain silent in the face of your partner’s complaints? This non-reaction, called stonewalling, is actually the reaction that is likely to be chosen by husbands: "85 percent of stonewallers are men" (147). But removing oneself emotionally actually exacerbates the conflict. The controlled, cool reaction does make the situation worse, for the stonewalling stance conveys "disapproval, icy distance, and smugness" (94). 

What about offering to fix the problem? 
That brings us to the phenomenon that always astounds well-meaning men. When a husband offers a solution to a problem his wife complains about, why does she get upset with him? Dr. Gottman explains that the wives are seeking "validation" and so find their husbands’ "hyperrational" reaction to their feelings distancing. "Rather than acknowledge the emotional content of their wife’s words, they try to offer a practical solution to the problem being described." That doesn't work because don't want to be told what they should do  but to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged. 159). Responding with empathy is not humoring someone unreasonable just to avoid an argument but crossing beyond one’s own emotional boundaries to appreciate the experience of another.

Achieving longevity in a marriage
Happily ever after does not just happen on its own accord. Shidduchim are a result of a Heavenly directive, but good marriages have to be worked on here on earth. It is not enough to marry "the right person" to assure the longevity of the relationship. Both partners must commit to accepting the other, accepting responsibility for their reactions, and sustaining the positives ratio needed to keep the marriage strong.